Sequel to Hell on Wheels: Going from there
by Jinxgirl
Summary: After Faith and Buffy's kiss in "Hell on Wheels" they must sort through their confusion and denial to come up with a definition of what their new relationship is. NOW FINISHED! Reviews please!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Just playing, folks, no ownership on my part here.

Author notes: This is a sequel to "Hell on Wheels." Takes place the next day after it, still third season, pre-return of Angel/ in place of return of Angel. I know it's really short, slow, and unsatisfying for the first chapter... will get more up very soon, and I already have a lot more written. No title as of yet.

Buffy's eyes roamed about the room somewhat restlessly, looking from one friend to another from her seated position at the school's library's long table- the table that had unofficially become the Scooby gang's vampire-and-demon-talk meeting place. School had let out around fifteen minutes ago, and as usual, she and her friends had gone to meet up with Giles afterward in the library.

For once, nothing particularly out of ordinary had happened today or the night before in Sunnydale. At least, nothing more than usual- just a few fledgling vampires that Buffy and Faith had handled easily. No need to bring those up.

Faith… no need to bring that up again. Dangerous to bring that up again… but how many times since yesterday at the skating place had the other Slayer made her way into Buffy's thoughts? How many times had Buffy's head been flooded with visualizations of Faith's face in various facial expressions? How many times had her thoughts flashed back to memories of Faith's hand in hers, her waist beneath Buffy's arm, her lips meeting Buffy's with a hesitance and sweetness Buffy would have thought to be beyond her…

No. No, not going there. So not going there… especially now.

Still… Buffy couldn't help stealing a glance at Faith as she moved her fingers in a staccato beat on her thigh. The other Slayer was right there, after all, sprawled in her usual Faith-like manner in the chair beside her. She had started dropping by the library after school to meet with them for the past week or so, so Buffy knew that today shouldn't have been any different. It would be stranger for her to stop doing that- like proof that things weren't okay between them, that things had changed. It was okay that Faith was there as usual- or it should be.

But the thing was that things _had_ changed between them… for Buffy, at least, and she suspected for Faith as well, though the girl didn't seem to show it. And Buffy wasn't sure things _were_ okay…

Of course, both had told the other that is was, had given off every impression that it was. After they had finished skating- something that ended much more quickly than Buffy would have originally wanted- they had gone patrolling together. Faith had been as casual and seemingly confident as usual in her mannerisms, speech, and expressions, even in her fighting and staking. It was almost as if she really had forgotten what had occurred between her and Buffy, or she really could shrug it off as nothing so easily.

But Buffy suspected that this was only a bluff. For she had seen the look in Faith's eyes, felt the hesitance and fear in her touch before and after they kissed… _accidentally_ kissed. The younger girl was good at covering her tracks, concealing her true thoughts behind a cocky grin and jabbing words. Buffy nearly would have believed her, that she really hadn't meant anything by what had happened, that she had already forgotten it… had she not seen the few times Faith had glanced at her during their patrolling, when she thought the blonde Slayer did not see. The other girl's eyes held a brief but clear storing of emotions too strong for Faith to ever wish to let slip for longer than an instant… emotions she might not even fully realize or understand that she felt.

And throughout the entire patrol, Buffy had been painfully aware of how both she and Faith kept an obvious physical distance between them, not standing or walking close enough to even accidentally brush one another. This was definitely unusual. Had things been okay between them- had Faith, at least, considered things okay between them- the girls would have walked close as usual, if not actively touching, at least occasionally brushing against each other without feeling the need to apologize or jump away. Faith might even have tried to make Buffy uncomfortable after their kiss- _accidental_ kiss- by being more physically tactile than usual, hugging or putting an arm around her… if Faith had been okay with it.

But she hadn't, and she didn't, and the distance between them had seemed obvious to Buffy… even Faith's unusual quiet did now, as they sat with the others in the school library.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

Author notes: Sorry this is so slow... it is, like I said, a really long story. And this bit is probably extremely boring as a forewarning.

"Buffy?"

Buffy jumped as a hand touched her arm. Looking over quickly, she realized that Willow was frowning at her in slight concern from the other seat beside her. As she glanced around hurriedly at the others, she saw that they too were looking at her expectantly, Faith with a raised eyebrow and amused smile.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm okay, I'm listening. What was the question?" Buffy said with a deliberate brightness she did not feel.

"Oh, smooth, B. Nice to know the Slayer senses are alive and kicking," Faith remarked. Buffy glanced at her, brow furrowing- and not only because she couldn't for some reason get her brain to decode what the girl was talking about. It was just that every time she looked at Faith, another memory she was supposed to be forgetting seemed to barge into her thoughts. She was terrified that they were making her look incredibly guilty or embarrassed.

"Are you okay, Buffy? You had space-girl face," Willow said, her forehead wrinkling a little.

"Yeah, yeah," Buffy said quickly, nodding too much, too rapidly for it to look natural. "Just thinking."

"Really?" came the skeptical voice of Cordelia from where she was sitting on Xander's lap, his arms around her waist. "Can you _do_ that, Buffy? I had no idea. So where was all this thinking when you chose that outfit?"

Buffy looked down at herself, a little slung. She looked fine to herself. Normally she would have come up with some clever comeback, but today, her brain seemed in rebellion. Too slow when it came to reactions… on overdrive when it came to thoughts and memories, certain ones in particular.

Faith, however, seemed to have no problem with the comebacks. "Hey, at least, her outfit doesn't make her thighs look big, you know what I mean, Cordy?" she remarked with a calculated off-hand casualness, though her dark eyes flashed with strange anger. Why would one of Cordelia's typical comments make Faith angry?

"With your kind of figure, Cordy, I'd think twice before wearing white pants. Black is a more slimming color, you know?" she continued, her voice an epitome of innocence.

Willow couldn't' keep back a grin, and even Oz cracked a smile beside her. As Cordy's expression dropped, and she flipped between a stunned dismay and an infuriated scowl aimed Faith's way, Buffy couldn't help but grin appreciatively at Faith. Faith grinned back… but then, almost in the same instant, both girls' eyes clouded, and they quickly dropped their gaze.

"Just because no one introduced _you_ to the color spectrum doesn't mean_ I'm_ the one who doesn't know how to dress!" Cordelia sputtered, her eyes narrowed at Faith with no shortage of dislike and anger. "You wouldn't know fashion if it crawled inside your push-up bra, Miss Look-at-me, I'm-in-black-and-showing-cleavage-like-a-major-slutbag!"

Then, dropping her tone to a significantly more insecure whine, she asked, "Xander, these don't make me look fat, do they? You would tell me if I looked fat?"

"Oh, hell no!" Xander blurted. "Do I look stupid?"

Then, in response to Cordelia's glare, "Yes, yes, of course I do. Of course I would, Cordy. I mean, I wouldn't! I mean, you look great, Cordelia-"

"Do you really think I need a push-up bra? Please!" Faith scoffed, snorting. "Obviously you've never seen me naked before, Cordy, but if you're so skeptical-"

"Can we please return to the original matter of discussion, everyone?" Giles interrupted, his voice raised much louder than normal. He was carefully avoiding looking at Faith, who was leaned toward Cordelia and Xander with a knowing leer; Buffy thought he looked profoundly stiff and uncomfortable. Buffy didn't blame him. All this talk about Faith's boobs, Faith naked… she definitely was up for a subject change.

"Buffy- Faith," he was saying as everyone settled down a bit, Cordelia still shooting Faith and Xander both evil looks alternately. "How did patrolling go last night?"

"Oh, it was fine, fine," Buffy said quickly, glancing at Faith before rapidly moving her gaze back away. "Nothing happened. Nope, nothing."

Giles frowned. "No vampires at all? You saw nothing?"

"Oh! No- yes, yeah, we got them. Some. Yeah, there were some," Buffy babbled, feeling herself flush. Were they all staring at her now? What was with the third degree? Had Faith said something? Were they all trying to torment her?

"We staked a few newby vamps, no big deal," Faith added casually. "Nothin' we couldn't handle, huh, B?"

She was looking at Buffy in a way that for Faith, was too neutral. Somehow it only made Buffy feel more anxious… and now almost guilty as well.

"Yep, yep, we handled it," she said quickly. "Me and Faith. Yep."

Willow was looking at her with a little frown, but other than that, no one seemed to notice anything odd about her replies, Buffy thought to herself. Maybe-

"Buff, you okay?" Willow was asking again, her concern only upping the guilt and discomfort already twisting Buffy's insides. Dang, why couldn't they all just nod and smile and let her be?

"Yeah, Will, I'm fine. Just- kinda jittery is all."

On sudden impulse, she turned to look at Giles. "Giles, it's been pretty dead on the patrol front lately, no pun intended. I was thinking I'd take the night off, if you don't mind. Maybe- just kind of have fun, you know? Would you want to do something with me, Willow?"

Willow's face wrinkled, her gaze flicking guiltily over to the still-faced Oz beside her, who had been, as usual, calmly observing the others with few comments.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Buffy, it's our six month anniversary tonight… we kinda had plans, you know?"

"Well, not plans as far as plans go, such as with an actual plan," Oz amended, taking Willow's hand and squeezing it affectionately. "More like get together and doing something together spontaneously. That kind of plan."

"Yeah… but, but maybe tomorrow, Buffy?" Willow asked, her tone still apologetic.

"Yeah, it's fine, Willow. Congrats to you guys," Buffy said, forcing a smile. "Have fun. Xander? We haven't hung out in a while, do you…"

"Uh, actually, Buff-" Xander grimaced, his eyes sliding somewhat furtively over to Cordelia, who was still sitting in his lap. Buffy needed no further elaboration, but that didn't stop Cordelia from providing one anyway.

"Xander has plans. Don't you, Xander?" she said sharply, her tone making the reply she expected from him clear. Xander swallowed, nodding quickly.

"Yeah, yeah, got plans. Sorry, Buff."

"Yeah, well, maybe we can all do something together tomorrow then," Buffy said breezily, disappointed, but trying to hide it. She'd wanted to be around people, to try and keep busy.

"Maybe you guys can all come hang out at my house after school tomorrow or something."

"Yeah, sure, Buffy," Willow said quickly. "It's a date. Well, not a date date, because, you know, we don't do that. And I'm with Oz. But a date- do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I get it, Will," Buffy said, smiling at Willow's confusion.

"Well, B, you could always hang with me," Faith said suddenly, and Buffy jumped, turning to look at her with some awkwardness. The other Slayer had been unusually still and quiet for a while now- for most of the meeting actually- and Buffy had not been expecting to hear her.

Faith's voice was nonchalant, her posture as open and her face as blasé as usual, but something about the way she held her shoulders and a strangeness about her eyes made it seem that her words weren't as impulsive or meaningless to her as she wanted to imply.

"You know, if you wanted to or whatever," Faith continued, shrugging. "We could do something."

_Again_, was the unspoken word she was leaving off. They could do something _again_, like they had the night before.

_Something_… was Faith trying to insinuate with that, refer to what had happened? What kind of game was she playing at?

Buffy stiffened, a tense retort on the tip of her tongue. But just as she looked into Faith's eyes, she realized… there was an uncertainty in them, something almost resigned. As though Faith were expecting to be rejected, and convincing herself already that it didn't matter.

She was probably reading too much into the other girl, seeing things that weren't there, Buffy told herself. But maybe not… and at the least, Buffy could tell Faith wasn't trying to slyly jab at her or embarrass her.

The first thing that popped into Buffy's mind was, how would she find a way to refuse Faith's offer without looking stupid or rude? It wasn't that she didn't want to be around the other Slayer- that wasn't the problem at all. The problem was that she_ did_ want to, just a little too much to be possibly a good thing. The problem was what had happened last time because of that…

But on the other hand, she didn't want to hurt Faith's feelings- and whether or not what had happened in the bathroom had meant anything beyond what Faith claimed it did to her, Buffy knew she would be hurt regardless if Buffy completely avoided her. Since coming to Sunnydale, though she had acted at ease with all, Buffy knew Faith hadn't really connected more than superficially with anyone. Buffy was the closest thing to a friend that she had.

No, I _am_ her friend, Buffy told herself determinedly. I _am_, and one stupid little thing isn't going to stop that. I just have to stop being so weird about everything. It was just one of those weird things that happens sometimes with Faith, that's all. Like beating the crap out of vampires before dusting them or something. Okay, so that's not the greatest analogy, but that's not the point.

The point is I can't just avoid her. I have to make things okay again, make them like they were- I have to get back into the mode we were in before. And to do that, I have to hang out with her, obviously.

"Look, like I said before, you don't have to or nothin', B," Faith was saying quickly, a defensive look coming across her features when Buffy didn't respond to her suggestion. "I'll probably be at this party anyway, you wouldn't even like it there-"

"What?" Buffy said blankly. "I'm sorry, I spaced again. No, no, we can do something, Faith. Yeah, let's do something."

Faith looked at her with a little frown, her dark eyes searching Buffy's.

"You don't' have to, B-"

"No, no, I want to, Faith," Buffy interrupted quickly, and then, making her tone more serious, "I want to. Really."

She looked into Faith's eyes, hoping that the other girl understood her meaning, and then made herself lay her hand on Faith's arm as well. See, Buffy, you can do this… you can touch her and not freak, you can touch her like a friend, and no one has to stick tongues down anyone's throat…

Okay, so they hadn't done that. That wasn't the point. The point was Buffy was touching Faith and it was okay, she didn't want to do anything more. She didn't want to kiss her.

She _didn't_.

Faith was very still, her eyes narrowing as she looked back at Buffy intently, as though gauging her sincerity. Her eyes kept shifting down to Buffy's hand on her arm.

Finally she nodded. "Yeah, well, guess we got a date then, B."

"In a not-date date way," Buffy added quickly, "right?"

Faith nodded, but for once, her expression was completely serious.

"Yeah… right, B."

"So that was fascinating and everything, but is there a reason we have to stay any longer?" Cordelia asked pointedly. "I have to go home and get ready, and-"

"Change your clothes?" Faith asked, her wicked smile belying her innocent tone.

As Cordelia snapped back and a verbal sparring between the two began, Faith seeming to enjoy it much more than Cordy, the others, minus Xander, who was still trapped under Cordelia, began to stand, gathering their things. Buffy was slower than the others, thinking distractedly about her approaching date-that-wasn't-a-date with Faith. How could she be dreading something so strongly, and yet wanting it so badly?


	3. Chapter 3

"This ain't exactly my style, B," Faith said with more than a hint of her usual playful smile as she gestured at her borrowed clothing. "Then again, my usual mode of sleepwear is probably way too much for you to handle."

Buffy flushed, knowing exactly what Faith was implying, but smiling at her all the same. Sitting on Buffy's bed in one of Buffy's oversized Sunnydale T-shirts and a stretchy pair of pajama bottoms, the other Slayer certainly didn't look like her usual self. Buffy wasn't used to seeing her in anything so loose… so unsexy. Combined with Faith's face, washed clean only a few moments ago of her usual darkly applied makeup, the overall effect made Faith look years younger… almost innocent, in a way that was strange to view or think of her as.

That had been sort of the point, of course. Buffy could have lent her a pair of her short sleep shorts and a flimsy tank top to sleep in… and she couldn't deny that the thought had crossed her mind. But in the end she had opted on giving Faith the baggier options, and dressed similarly herself. The wise decision… or maybe the cowardly one, when it came down to it. Maybe when it came down to it, Buffy didn't trust herself, even after the success of her date-that-wasn't-a-date with Faith.

* * *

They had awkwardly batted ideas around after leaving the library, trying to agree on something to do- something that Buffy felt safe doing with Faith, something that offered little threat of future weirdness attacks. Eventually they had decided to go to the Sunnydale Mall. It was very public, very normal- and if things got too weird, then window shopping was an easy way to pretend total distraction and absorption to cover up awkwardness. Besides, Faith hadn't been to the mall yet, and that, of course, was something that must immediately be corrected. 

It had taken more effort than last time to convince Joyce to lend Faith her car for the second night in a row, but she had eventually given in. She clearly liked to see Buffy doing normal teenaged-girl things , and she liked Faith; Joyce seemed glad to see her daughter doing things with her, getting along with her. So with strict warnings about the car (aimed not at Faith, but at Buffy) Joyce had handed over the keys, and the two Slayers were on their way.

As Buffy quickly discovered, shopping was not exactly Faith's forte. She rolled her eyes impatiently as Buffy browsed through the likes of The Gap, Banana Republic, and Express, teasing her playfully about being "another of those preppy teenybopping fashion clones." Faith's taste ran more to the cheap and the over-the-top, understandable with her budget and personality, Buffy supposed. She headed straight for the clearance racks, rifling through rapidly for plain tanks, animal prints, and imitation leather, rejecting most with mutters of the stores trying to rip her off.

"I can get the same stuff at Salvation Army for $2," she had mumbled with some resentment. "What the hell do you go to places like this for, B? Ah yes, because you're a little rich girl, these places are made for chicks like you."

She had smirked at Buffy to show she wasn't serious, but Buffy had known that part of her was in a way. Clearly Faith hadn't wanted to go shopping for the sake of shopping, but rather to hang out with Buffy. That made Buffy feel even more guilty than she had before. Faith obviously was trying to make things better, to stay a friend- she obviously wanted Buffy as a friend. Buffy was going to have to try harder to keep things that way, or rather, to go back to how they had been.

Faith had perked up when they went to the food court, eating pizza and fires, greasy in the best possible way. She'd been even more enthused after the two had spent an hour in the arcade and she had slain serious video game butt in the shooting and fighting games. For a girl who claimed to have only played video games "a few times", she was a quick study.

With the 219 tickets she had won- over 150 more than Buffy had- she had a choice between a small, cheaply made blue teddy bear and a small notebook with smiles on it. Buffy, who had selected a strip of flower stickers with her tickets, had to laugh in amazed incredulity when Faith chose the bear.

"A teddy bear?" she had smiled, shaking her head. "You? Are you gonna use it as target practice or something?"

"Hey, there wasn't many choices, B," Faith said defensively, half hiding the bear behind her unconsciously. "Besides, do I look like the kind of girl who'd sit and write in a smiley face notebook?"

Still, something about her expression, even as defensive as it was, made Buffy think suddenly that maybe Faith WAS that kind of girl, at least sometimes… and maybe, even if she'd never say so, she was also the kind of girl who really did want and appreciate little blue teddy bears. Who knew?

Smiling at her, trying to keep the amusement from her eyes at this startling new thought, Buffy impulsively wrapped an arm around Faith's shoulders in a brief half embrace, in response to the surge of affection for the girl that passed through her quickly.

"Don't worry, Faith, your secret's safe with me," she had remarked playfully. "I've got Mr. Gordo, I know how it is with the whole protect-the-badass-rep thing. No one has to know that Faithy here has a soft spot for little blue teddy bears…"

Faith punched her in the arm, hard, but not hard enough to really hurt. Her voice was rough, but she was smiling when she answered back.

"Hey B, the only teddies I got a thing for are the sleepwear kind, and I prefer black. And will you quit with the freakin' Faithy thing already?"

"Sorry… Faithy," Buffy had been unable to resist from saying, earning herself another half-glower, half-grin and a second punch.

She had felt herself relaxing, gradually letting down her guard once more as the minutes, than hours, passed by. It was hard to have a dull moment with Faith, and the more time they spent together, the more Buffy began to forget why she had been so leery. It was getting easier to fall back into the comfortable little niche they had carved out before, the light, friendly relationship they had shared that was full of playful bantering and insults, yet contained an undercurrent of unspoken understanding of the other girl's basic personality. As little as they really knew of or confided in each other, the two Slayers were beginning to return to their feeling once more that they kind of "got" each other, that they shared a strange connection, almost kinship, that they could with no other. Maybe it was the Slayer thing, maybe not… whatever it was, Buffy was relieved that it seemed to be renewing itself naturally. Without the further weirdness of last night.

See, she told herself several times, hardly even aware that she appeared to be attempting to convince rather than reassure herself. We can do this, we can go out and have fun as friends, not Slayers, not anything else. Nothing else- nothing. We can laugh and punch each other and I can even hug her if I felt like it, and it's still fine. We're friends. I'm fine. No weird thoughts, no perve images, and definitely no kissy-face. Yesterday was a fluke thing, a oneshot, and it will never happen again. Nope. Never.

Still, she'd been forced to firmly repeat this to herself on a few occasions, when she looked at Faith's broad smile, the sparkling of her eyes as she laughed… when she grabbed Buffy's arm on the escalator after nearly having fallen when her heel caught, and Buffy felt her long hair brush her cheek and shoulder…

And of course, there had been the dressing room incident. Right before they left the mall, Buffy had finally succeeded in talking Faith into trying on a dress. It was a pale blue one ("to match your teddy bear" Buffy had teased, receiving a third punch) with slim straps and a hem stopping just above the knee. Faith had taken a long time putting it on in the dressing room, and when Buffy finally demanded she come out and show her or she'd break in, no sexual innuendos had left the brunette's mouth in reply. That in itself was stunning… but Faith's subsequent emergence was even more so.

She had left the dressing room with all of her usual confidence absent in the way she walked and held herself. Instead, there was a self-consciousness in the way her shoulders curved forward, and her head was slightly lowered, her eyes not meeting Buffy's. She crossed her arms almost protectively, and embarrassment radiated from her features.

Faith, embarrassed? And over wearing a dress? Okay, so it showed a little cleavage, but so did half her wardrobe. That couldn't be it… so what was it?

Buffy hadn't been able to decide what held more of her attention- Faith's uncharacteristically awkward demeanor, or the way the dress made her look. For once, she was in something soft and colorful, something neither tight nor overly showy, but rather flowing and feminine. Buffy couldn't keep herself from staring. Faith was always attractive- 'hot' was the unwelcome word that popped into Buffy's head- but this dress… it made her look… sweet. Pretty… As though she were a different girl, leading a different life.

"Well, jeez, B, you don't have to stare," Faith said defensively, crossing her arms even more tightly against herself. "I know it looks stupid. But you picked it out, remember? You just had to get your kicks from seeing Faith in a dress…"

"No, Faith, it doesn't look stupid!" Buffy said hurriedly, her eyes widening. "You look- you look great. Really nice. The dress is really pretty. You… YOU look pretty."

Faith had raised her eyes to meet Buffy's, her head still lowered slightly, frowning… she seemed to be searching for the truth of Buffy's thoughts. Finally she shook her head.

"This- this just isn't me, B," she said awkwardly, shifting her weight with discomfort. "I don't' do this girly stuff."

"Well, maybe you should," Buffy told her, her tone sincere as she continued to look into Faith's eyes. "I'm not kidding, you look great, Faith. You… you look beautiful."

Faith frowned at her for a few moments, uncertainty and an odd blend of shyness and suspicion in her gaze. Buffy felt the awkwardness of the moment, Faith's own feelings reflecting back and attaching themselves to her as well. Why had she said that- even if it was true, why had she said that, what was she-

"Yeah… well, I'm going to change," Faith said abruptly, turning back toward the dressing room. But for a moment, Buffy could have sworn she saw a hint of a pleased smile playing at her lips, oddly contrasting with the awkward confusion in her eyes and posture…

After that, however, they had quickly needled each other back into the more comfortable zone from before, beginning with Buffy's complaints about Faith's driving. By the time they had arrived at Buffy's house, she had impulsively asked Faith if she wanted to stay the night with her… and to her surprise, though she had always refused before, Faith had agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

"So what exactly are we supposed to do at these little sleepover festivities?" Faith asked Buffy with a little sly grin, flopping down onto her stomach on the bed and kicking her bent legs back and forth with idle slowness. "Paint our toenails, pig out on cookie dough and chocolate? Braid each other's hair and tell all our secret lust fixations? Or," she said, her eyes gleaming wickedly, "pillow fight in our underwear?"

Buffy shoved at Faith's shoulder, mock exasperated, but smiling. She knew Faith was just being Faith… but still, enough with the underwear images, she didn't want her mind taking any more involuntary mental detours.

"Oh, sure, Faith, all of the above," she said casually. "I'll break out the green face masks if you're game too."

"Oh hell yeah, anything to make me all wrinkle-free or whatever the crap those things are supposed to do. You know what with being not even seventeen yet and having healing Slayer powers, I need the stuff," Faith quipped. "Don't hold out on me, B."

"You're not seventeen?" Buffy asked curiously, shifting her position from where she was kneeling beside Faith and looking down at her with interest. "You never said that for sure before. When's your birthday, Faith?"

Faith shrugged, and there was a strangely defensive clouding that came over her eyes.

"Does it matter?"

"Well, yeah, it matters," Buffy said, surprised. "It's your birthday. Don't you think I want to know your birthday?"

Faith shrugged again. "I probably won't even be here that long, B," she said, the same odd look in her eyes.

"What?" Buffy frowned, startled. "Why wouldn't you be? Where would you go?"

But Faith just smiled, something about it seeming too quick and easy to be quite genuine. She quickly changed the subject as well.

"I bet I know _your_ secret lust fixation, B," she said, her eyes glowing with sudden impish satisfaction as she smiled slyly. "Want to kiss and tell?"

Buffy's heart lurched abruptly, and she felt her pulse quicken at Faith's choice of words. She swallowed instinctively, trying to rid her mouth of its sudden dryness. God, why did she keep circling back to that kind of talk? Why couldn't she just leave well enough alone- did she really enjoy making Buffy squirm so much? Why couldn't she just let things go the way they'd been going without deliberately setting out to bring them around full circle again?

"I don't have one, Faith," she said as evenly as she could make herself, trying to keep her face impassive as she sought to keep her voice from sounding either too serious or too casual. "I don't know what secret lust you're talking about."

"Oh, don't deny it, B," Faith said, her voice dropping huskily as she propped herself up on her elbow, her lips twisting teasingly. "You totally do, and you know it. Don't think I haven't seen you watching, seen that look in your eyes…"

"No, Faith, you've got it all wrong," Buffy said hurriedly, even as her heart beat still faster, and she had to swallow several more times, her tongue thick and pasty. "Anything you think you saw- anything that's happened- look, that was just… jeez, Faith, I didn't mean-"

"Yep, I've got to hand it to you, your taste ain't half bad, B," Faith interrupted, her words casually tossed out even as she grinned with wicked pleasure. "I mean, Giles is kinda British for me, but he's pretty foxy for a guy his age, you know?"

For a moment Buffy was positive she had not heard the other girl right, that any moment, Faith's actual words would kick in to her brain. As she began to realize that no other words would be forthcoming after all, Faith laughed at her widened eyes and stunned expression.

"Could your mouth open any wider, B? Who'd you think I was referring to?" Faith asked with exaggerated innocence, her dimples flashing with her playful smile. She seemed once again thrilled to have caught Buffy off guard, to have one up on her- but yet, there was an odd hesitance lingering somewhere around the edges of her smile, the deeper recesses of her dark eyes. Almost something akin to disappointment… as though she had received an answer or response of some kind she had hoped against.

Buffy shoved at Faith's shoulder again, making herself scowl at her. She was relieved by Faith's comment- too relieved, really… but somehow she almost felt let down as well.

"Ewww! Faith, that's disgusting! Me and Giles- he's old enough to be my father!"

"So? That Angel dude- he was old enough to be your great-great-great-great granddad's dad, wasn't he, and that didn't stop you," Faith snorted. As Buffy's expression tightened, and she didn't reply, Faith's grin slipped. She sat up abruptly, eyebrows drawing together in awkward apology as she faced Buffy, clearly regretting her careless words.

"Hey- hey, B, I didn't mean nothin'," she said uncomfortably, a line creasing in her forehead. "I'm sorry… I'll shut up now, okay?"

"No- no, it's okay," Buffy said slowly, forcing a tight-lipped smile as she exhaled, trying to convince herself of the same. "I- you've probably heard a lot about it from everyone, or else pieced it together in parts. I don't know… I don't like to talk about it much. I don't' like to think about him. About how he was, and what- what he used to be. What I had to do to him," Buffy told her, her voice dropping, before she raised her eyes to Faith's once again, firming her tone.

"I need to keep from thinking about him, because all he does is make things seem so hopeless… miserable. I- I want to move on from him, so that's what I have to do right now. Move."

"Yeah," Faith mumbled, dropping her eyes. A silence stretched between them for several moments before she looked up at Buffy again, her gaze as serious as her tone when she spoke.

"He really hurt you, didn't he, B?"

The younger Slayer's eyes were narrowed, her concern and hesitant sympathy for Buffy showing in her features, and her posture. Buffy looked over at her, regarding her thoughtfully and with some surprise. It wasn't often that she saw this side of Faith- this part of her showing her sensitivity.

"Yeah," she replied quietly. "Yeah, he hurt me, Faith. But it wasn't just me… I wish it had. He hurt everyone. My friends, my family… he killed people, just to get to me."

She sighed slowly, and a silence once more spanned between the two girls as they both lowered their eyes from where they were seated closely, facing each other. Shaking herself out of her reverie, Buffy realized suddenly that Faith, probably unconsciously, had picked up the teddy bear she had won at the arcade and was absently squeezing it in her hand, pressing it against her abdomen. She repressed the smile that wanted to emerge, not wanting to embarrass or hurt Faith, but finding that the sight amused her. Still, the heavier mood surrounding the girls remained, and Buffy found herself speaking to Faith before she could quite realize her own thoughts.

"Faith… what was your first time like?"

Author notes: Obviously Buffy is referring to sex. Sorry to end it here... I know people hate cliffhangers. Next part will be up soon.


	5. Chapter 5

Faith's head jerked up, and when her eyes clashed with Buffy's, they were wide, startled- almost panicked. Or as close to panicked as Buffy had ever seen them…

Her face rearranged itself quickly, her features closing off, her eyes narrowing, once more guarded, defensive, displaying none of the brief but strong emotion Buffy had observed just seconds before.

"What?" she asked quickly, her tone too tense, her brow too furrowed for her to look or sound as nonchalant as she seemed to want to. Buffy watched her closely and with some discomfort, already regretting having asked. Faith had never openly spoke to her about her past- what had made her ask her? Especially about something like that, something Buffy suspected was closely tied in with the circumstances that had made her who she was now… gave her some of the scars Buffy knew she must still carry today.

God, what had she been thinking?

But she couldn't back down now, Buffy felt- she couldn't stop from pursuing the question, now that she had started it. Somehow she felt she had to know, needed to know… not for herself, but for Faith. She wanted to know Faith, to understand her… to have the other girl's trust, at least in part. If the answer to Buffy's impulsive question was along the lines of what Buffy expected, then maybe, though Faith would never think or say so, she needed someone to talk to her about it, someone to listen. Maybe-

"The first time you had sex, Faith," Buffy clarified quietly, looking into the other girl's eyes. "What was it like?"

Faith's back had stiffened; she was sitting rigidly in a manner that was completely atypical of her, and Buffy saw her inhale slowly, with a measured deliberateness that was very unlike her as well. When she shifted her eyes to Buffy again, she smiled with her usual smirky manner, but it twisted strangely at the corner of her lips, not meeting her eyes.

"How do you know I'm not a virgin, B?" she asked with exaggerated innocence. "Maybe I just talk a good game. Watch a lot of TV, you know?"

Buffy blinked, furrowing her brow as she looked at the other Slayer sharply. She wasn't serious, of course- right? No way was Faith a virgin when Buffy wasn't- right?

But then again, the girl was full of surprises.

"What?" she stuttered, still blinking, trying to readjust her features significantly less successfully than Faith had. "You're not, are you? I mean, you're just messing with me- right?" she asked, the last bit obviously not so certain in tone.

Faith rolled her eyes, the corners of her mouth still twisting up into that odd, tight little smile.

"Oh yeah, of course I am, B, I'm the freakin' Virgin Mary. That's why they call me Faith, of course. It's a freakin' omen of my purity. Look, why are you asking me this anyway?" she said, dropping the sarcasm as only a defensiveness and anger colored her tone.

Buffy watched Faith, frowning, as the other girl shifted; though Faith had not really moved any further away from her, it felt like she had placed a great physical distance between them, one Buffy could not reach out to bridge over. She felt the guilt twist inside her, the pang in her chest increasing as she saw the way the younger girl tensed, eyes going flat and dark, clouding in such a way that seemed almost empty… hard. Nearly dangerous…

Buffy spoke quietly, no longer holding out much hope that Faith would actually talk to her… or much conviction that she was right to try and make her.

"Well," she said slowly, wanting to look away from the other Slayer's hard gaze, but finding herself somehow unable to, "my first time… it was with Angel, Faith. It- it didn't end well. I guess… I guess I was hoping to hear that for you… that yours was better."

She paused, sighing slowly, as she was unconsciously licked her lips. "But it wasn't, was it?"

She didn't think that the other girl was going to answer as Faith continued to almost glare at her, her eyes hooded, nearly impenetrable. But then the other girl lowered her gaze, and she sighed slowly, a long, slightly shuddery sound that made Buffy's heart squeeze to hear the sadness and bitterness it held. Faith's shoulders slid down slightly, and Buffy noticed that she was staring at her knees fixedly, gripping the teddy bear in her hands so tightly that its middle was squished together and her knuckles were whitening.

"No," she said quietly, and the very lack of expression in her voice revealed more than any further elaboration could have.

Buffy swallowed nervously, looking away from the younger girl for a moment before settling on looking at her shoulder.

"Faith- I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I mean, I shouldn't have-"

"No, hey, you wanted to know, B," Faith interrupted, "so I'll tell you. No big deal, it's not like it matters or nothin'. It was a long time ago, you know? I don't care."

But despite her insistances, Buffy could see the way she pressed her lips together for a moment, her forehead wrinkling… several emotions flickered across her face, flashing in her eyes, none that Buffy could identify- other than to say that none were positive. Buffy waited, watching her with a slight frown. She found herself leaning toward Faith unconsciously, as if trying to convey that she cared, that she was listening to her.

God… why did she suddenly have an urge to touch her face, to brush her hair back behind her shoulders? Why did she want to do whatever it took to wipe that look from her eyes, to make her smile-

To touch her… she really just wanted to…

Make her feel better, Buffy told herself firmly, stiffening as she realized where her train of thought was heading. She wanted to make Faith feel better. Because she felt bad. And Buffy had empathy. Right. Empathy. Because Faith was a friend. And friends cared about friends. And their feelings. Not their faces or bodies, or other stuff, and if they wanted to touch them it was because they wanted to make them feel better. Not because they were sexy or pretty but because they cared about them and their feelings-

She was so busy detouring off into this line of thought that she almost missed when Faith started to speak. Her eyes snapped up to the other girl's guiltily, doing her best to neutralize her features.

"I was eleven," Faith said quietly, in a tone so low and subdue that her voice could hardly be recognized as her own. "For the real sex, anyway. There- I did other stuff before."

Buffy felt her breath catch in her throat painfully, and her eyes widened, her mouth slackening as she stared at Faith in stunned horror. She felt her stomach drop as her veins rapidly pulsed along with her heightened heart beat. She had suspected something along these lines, had braced herself to one day hear about it… but god…

Faith's full lips were drawn together in a thin line, nearly a grimace, so hard they were paling. She wrapped an arm around her abdomen in a way that made Buffy think she didn't realize what she was doing; with her other hand, she crushed the teddy bear in a strong, Slayer grip. Her dark eyes had moved away from Buffy's, but even lowered to her lap, what Buffy could see of them held a pain and memory that was starkly obvious and raw.

Oh god, Buffy thought shakily, oh no. Oh, Faithy…

She wanted so badly then to cry, to throw her arms around Faith and hold her against her, somehow be able to take back the younger girl's words and their truth. She wanted to turn back time, to take the scared little girl Faith must have been and to take her away, keep her with her forever and never let her hurt. She wanted to hunt down and torture without mercy every person from Faith's past that had ever caused her pain- all with a smile on her face.

She wanted to take Faith's face into her hands and kiss away all the grief the dark-haired Slayer could not hide from her in the moment…

But Buffy did none of this… as all those thoughts all those conflicting desires, flew through her mind in rapid succession, she couldn't bring herself to move. She couldn't make herself touch the other girl… she could hardly force herself to speak, and when she did, her words were hoarse and not the ones she had planned to say.

"Faith… oh god. Oh, Faith…"

Author notes: Sorry about this! I will post very soon next part, probably today. Thought it would be too long to post both together at once.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey," Faith said quickly, her tone sharpening, defensive, as she raised her eyes quickly, posture stiffening. It was as if she realized suddenly that she had said too much, revealed too much, and regretted it, was trying to smooth over the damage done.

"Hey, I don't want any of the "poor Faith" stuff, you understand? I'm fine. It's fine. That was a long time ago, I did what I did. It doesn't matter-"

"It doesn't matter!?" Buffy cried, incredulous, indignant. "Faith- you were eleven years old!_ And_ younger, you said, for whatever else- that's rape! Some guy raped you and you say it doesn't matter?! And as for you doing what you did- _you_ didn't do anything, _he_ did it _to_ you!"

"Well, maybe I wanted it, Buffy!" Faith snapped, her eyes flashing, hostile. She had used Buffy's full name… she really must be angry.

"Maybe I wanted it, maybe I was a slutty little kid and I asked for it! Did you ever think of that? Not everybody was the pure little princess you were! Maybe I asked for it!"

"Faith," Buffy almost whispered, shaking her head and blinking hard against threatening tears. Her shoulders were slumping, a marked contrast to Faith's suddenly ramrod stiff back. "Faith, I-I know you couldn't have. I know… you couldn't have asked for it. You didn't deserve that- no one deserves that…"

"No one, B?" Faith interrupted, her tone sneering, nearly aggressive. "You didn't know me then- you don't know what I wanted or deserved. You don't even know me now."

She sounded so fierce, so arrogant, so certain of herself and her strength… but all this was undermined by the arm still wrapped tightly around her own midsection, and the teddy bear still being squeezed to limpness in her hand. She's trying to turn me away, Buffy knew, she's trying to make me feel angry, or insecure… she doesn't want me to see how she really feels. She doesn't want pity or sympathy. She'd rather feel pain and anger every day of her life than risk sharing it, risk another seeing it, and maybe adding more onto it in return…

"Maybe not, Faith," she said quietly, and her voice shook slightly, reverbating with her feelings. "But I know what you're not. I know you're not okay with what was done to you. I know that it was something that _was_ done to you, and not what you did. I… I know you don't want me to see this, or to talk to you about it with you. But… but Faith, I feel like I have to. I want you to know I care… I… I don't' want you to hurt."

Buffy's voice was faltering towards the end, and she closed her eyes briefly, willing back the tears more fiercely. She could not cry right now, she could not damage any credibility she might still hold for Faith. She didn't have the right to cry right now. Only Faith did, and Buffy knew she would never allow herself to exercise that right.

Faith was staring at her now, frowning, but in a way that was defensive, more confused. She licked her lips quickly, blinking, before replying.

"Look… let's not get into this, B, okay? It happened, it's done, there's no point in thinking about it now or getting all upset. I'm fine, does it look like I care? I don't care, so why should you? And anyway, it was a long time ago," she concluded, as if that made it all okay.

She looked at Buffy challengingly, daring her to contradict her. Even so, Buffy could see the confliction dancing in the darkness of her gaze and knew that, as usual, Faith's words and her true feelings did not match up.

"All right, Faith," Buffy said quietly, giving in, somehow feeling that she had failed. "If you don't want to talk about it, I get it. I'll shut up now, okay?"

"Okay… good," Faith said with some uncertainty, blinking in surprise, but then lifting her chin more assertively. "It's not like it bothers me or anything. It's just pointless, you know. It was a long time ago, and-"

"Yeah, I know," Buffy interrupted quietly, but as her eyes looked into Faith's, they expressed a sentiment much deeper than her simple words. Faith held her gaze for a few moments, seeming almost trapped, unable to look away. Finally she jerked her eyes away and spoke too quickly, her tone rough.

"Look, B, I'm wiped. I think I'm gonna crash."

"All right," Buffy said, trying to sound much more neutral than she felt as she looked at the other girl. "I guess I'll go find you a spare toothbrush…"

But she didn't move right away. Instead, she found herself watching Faith, motionless, as Faith carefully stared at the bedspread to her right. And then, she found herself leaning towards her, supporting her weight with one hand as the other went up to cup Faith's face. She was leaning forward, feeling the girl's face tense beneath her hand…

She paused for a split second as her lips drew closer and closer to Faith's face, they were close enough that she went slightly cross-eyed. She could feel her heart beating faster, could sense Faith's as well as the younger girl held herself very still, waiting…. Their lips were only an inch or two apart.

And then Buffy moved her head up jerkily, several inches higher than it had been, and she pressed a clumsy kiss against Faith's forehead. She held her mouth there for longer than was strictly necessary, aware of how hard her heart was beating, the shaky sensations running through her body. The feel of Faith's smooth warm skin under her lips, the smell of her so close, seemed to Buffy to block out nearly everything else in all the world…

When she pulled away with a jerkiness she had not wanted to display, glancing quickly at Faith, she realized that the dark-haired Slayer had her eyes closed, her expression so tense she appeared near explosion. But what Buffy was not sure of was whether the emotion she was holding back so valiantly was anger or tears…

"I- I'll go find your toothbrush," Buffy muttered. As she backed away, leaving Faith sitting motionless on the bed, she felt somehow guilty and horrified, upset and afraid, and bitterly disappointed… all for completely oppositional reasons.


	7. Chapter 7

Buffy sighed with lingering sleepiness as she gradually came awake. Her limbs felt heavy, loose, and lazy, and she had no desire to move them as she became increasingly more aware of the light coming into her bedroom through the slits of her blinds. She wasn't sure she _could_ move them… they were too idle, too comfortable. Besides, one of them appeared to be trapped under the slight heaviness of something else, something nice and warm and soft…

What…

At first Buffy didn't care much what she appeared to be half snuggling up to, half pinned underneath, in her only partly conscious state. Whatever it was, it was something that felt good, comforting… better than Mr. Gordo's much smaller, cooler form, that was for sure. Buffy, still only half awake, found herself pressing up closer to the warmth against her, her free arm jerkily moving it tighter against her chest as she burrowed her forehead against something smooth and soft. Gradually she realized that her hand was entangled in something loose, silky… something like… hair? Long, wavy hair?

What…

Her alertness sharpening quickly, Buffy opened her eyes. Realizing nearly immediately where she was and just what it was she was cuddling, her eyes widened in shock.

Faith… she was lying completely tangled up with Faith. Her right arm seemed trapped under the younger Slayer's torso, and her left was holding herself way, way too close up against her, a handful of the other' girl's hair in her fist. What was me, Buffy's head was settled directly under Faith's chin, her cheek against her upper chest. Buffy's face was inches away from being pressed into Faith's breasts… and as it was, she was currently staring right down into them. As Buffy lay there, suddenly stiff with her stunned realization, she could hear, and even faintly feel, the steady beating of Faith's heart against her ear. The other girl's slow breaths gently stirred Buffy's hair.

Oh god, Buffy thought in near panic, blinking rapidly and hoping to whisk the reality of her placement away by will. Oh god, we are way too close. Way, way too close. I don't sleep like this with Willow. I don't sleep like this with anyone, not this close, not-

Not with anyone, but Angel. She had only slept like this with Angel…

But it feels nice, a little voice in the back of her mind nagged. You have to admit that this feels nice… it feels good. You can't say you haven't missed sleeping so close to another person, feeling their solid presence against you, their arms around you. You can't say you've never wondered what it would be like to have that again.

To have that with Faith…

No! No, I did NOT think that! And if I did it was just because she was doing her sex talks again, and I was completely not in control or responsible for my thoughts.

Faith is so much warmer than Angel was… the little voice continued with infuriating insistence, ignoring Buffy's fierce inner protests. Softer too. Sometimes Angel felt so cold, so hard, like a stone statue that moved. Faith feels like a person… she feels alive. She IS alive. You like the way you hear her heartbeat, feel her breathing…

No, no, I don't! Well, yeah, okay, I don't mean that I don't like that she's alive. That's okay with me, that's good with me actually. I'm glad she's not dead, or a vampire. Not that there's anything wrong with vampires. Well actually there is, that's why I slay them. But there wasn't anything wrong with Angel! Okay, well, actually there was. But that isn't the point, Angel was-

What IS my point?

You're enjoying this, Buffy. You want this… you want Faith.

No! That's it, there's my point right there! I do NOT want Faith- not like that, not like this!

That thought flashing hurriedly through her mind, Buffy tried to pull away from Faith, letting go of her and trying to quickly roll off of her. But Faith had a hand resting on Buffy's back, an elbow on her arm, and one of Buffy's arms was underneath her body. As Buffy tried to pry Faith's limbs away from her, too panicked to be very gentle, and to yank her own arm back, Faith came awake with a groggy, squinty-eyed frown, blinking at Buffy in confusion.

"What… B…"

"We've got to go to school, Faith, or at least I do," Buffy said quickly, suddenly realizing that this was true. "Oh dammit, it's 7:30, I'm gonna be so late!"

Becoming more alert much more quickly than Buffy had, Faith, rather than sitting up and letting Buffy go, seemed to be deliberately sinking down harder against Buffy's pinned arm, and she tightened her hold on the other girl with a wry little smile.

"So play hookie. Stay in bed. Seems that's what you really want anyway, B. Man, girl, you were a wild thing last night, hands all over the place," Faith needled her, still refusing to release her hold on Buffy. Buffy pulled at her roughly, heart beginning to pound. Faith WAS just being Faith- right? They hadn't done anything, of course. This whole cuddle thing was because they'd been dreaming or something. Absolutely no groping was involved, and no other acts of kinkiness. It would have happened no matter who it was she slept with. Not that she had slept with Faith, not that way!

Well then how come she had never woke up cuddled up to Willow like that before?

"Faith, get off me! Let me go, I'm gonna be late!" Buffy said, her voice rising- but more panic than anger showing through.

Faith shrugged exaggeratedly. "Hey, whatever, B. No kiss and tell from this girl, I understand the nature of oneshots."

She let Buffy up, smiling in her usual playful way, as if to let Buffy know that she was, yet again, still just messing with her. In fact, as Buffy headed quickly for her door, she said so in a tone quieter and more serious than usual. But even as Buffy mumbled that it was okay and made a quick excuse to leave, both saw the unease in the other girl's eyes.

Author notes: Will step up soon, I swear. This is pretty short and dull right now I know.


	8. Chapter 8

"So, remind me again why I am giving up valuable time from what teeny portion of my life is not spent in school or trying to stop evil monsters from ending the world to sit in your basement and do nothing," Cordelia Chase asked pointedly, leveling an irritated look in Buffy's direction. "Because, you know, I have a very busy social life, and out of all the places I could hang out right now and all the groups of people I could pick to do it with, 'your basement' and 'you guys' would NOT be my first choice. Not even, like, my tenth choice. Hello, the mall is open right now!"

"Oh hell no," Faith groaned from where she was pacing back and forth behind the couch where Buffy, Willow, and Oz were sitting across from the loveseat that held Xander and Cordelia. No doubt the dark-haired Slayer was imagining a shopping excursion with Cordelia and horrifying herself with her own envisions.

"We went there yesterday, me and Faith," Buffy said quickly, glancing across the coffee table towards Cordelia and then behind her at Faith, who was still moving about restlessly, occasionally pausing to stretch her arms or pop her back quickly.

"Oh, I can SO tell," Cordelia said sarcastically, eyeing first Buffy, then Faith, with obvious criticism. No doubt she was remembering Faith's zing at her outfit the day before, for she zeroed in on the other brunette.

"Faith, isn't that the same outfit you wore yesterday? And the day before that? And the day before that? Is it supposed to be like a uniform? Where'd you get it, Slayer-Whores-R-Us?"

"Cordy, isn't that the same crack you made yesterday? And the day before that? And the day before that?" Faith shot back. "Are you running out of smartass comments on me already? Am I already stealing your thunder?"

"I did not say that before!" Cordelia snapped, eyes widening in indignation as she subconsciously leaned forward towards Faith's still-moving form. "I do NOT recycle sarcasms! I may keep them similar, but I do NOT re-use them!"

"Hey- guys, can we cool it?" Buffy asked pleadingly, putting out one of her hands and glancing between the two brunettes.

"Yeah, let's watch a movie," piped up Willow quickly, ever the peacemaker. She was sitting close to Oz, his hair gelled and spiked as usual, but a paler red than normal. Sometimes Buffy thought the guy dyed his hair more than she did hers.

"Or a game or something," she continued, looking around at the others. "Do you have Monopoly, Buffy? Or we could play-"

"Twister?" Xander piped up hopefully, perking up noticeably at his own suggestion. "Strip poker? Spin the bottle?"

As the others turned to stare at him, Buffy rolling her eyes, Cordelia pulled herself away from him slightly, facing him fully as she huffed in indignation.

"Are you kidding me?! _Spin the bottle_?! What, are you in the sixth grade!? Besides, why would I want to kiss any of you besides Xander?! You're all girls! Well, except Oz, but he's a werewolf so he doesn't really count as a guy either," Cordelia said with her usual Cordelia logic- i.e., hardly logic at all.

She glared at Xander threateningly as he looked away somewhat nervously, a bit intimidated.

"You want to kiss them? People other than me?" she said in a dangerous tone.

"Uh," Xander squirmed, his eyes darting away quickly, "when they say honesty is the best policy… look, Cordy, I didn't get to play those games in middle school. I didn't even really _kiss_ a girl until I was sixteen years old-"

A loud, clearly amused snort from Faith interrupted Xander's rambling, and Cordelia paused in her glare at Xander to send one her way too.

"Xander, this is a completely stupid, immature, completely guy-like idea," she continued to lecture fiercely. "COMPLETELY lame! You really want to sit back and watch me make out with all your friends?! Don't answer that!" she ordered as a guilty gleam crossed his eyes. She exhaled loudly, conveying quite clearly just how exasperated she was as she deliberately turned away from him.

"Well, okay, uh, guess that one's out then," Willow said tentatively, stealing a glance at Cordelia before looking away, not wanting to earn more of the girl's glares. "So, we could play Monopoly, or Scrabble-"

"Oh please," Cordelia interrupted, exhaling again in disgust. "If that's all you can think of, then spin the bottle it is."

As the others, even Faith, turned to stare at her, Cordelia looked back at them defensively.

"What, a girl can't change her mind?"

"But you said how stupid and immature it was!" Xander protested. "You just said… wait a minute, you just agreed to do it… and WHY am I arguing with you?"

Willow's brow wrinkled, and she looked at Oz hesitantly, but obviously not completely opposed to the proposal.

"I don't know… I never played before, and I always kind of wanted to. It might be kinda fun… weird, and maybe gross, and maybe the kind of thing that might scar me for life and make me very embarrassed and mess up our friendships. This is a very bad idea, very, very bad. But it still might be kinda fun. And I still kinda want to do it," she said in a small voice, looking at Oz shyly. "Oz, what do you think, should we- do you mind-"

Oz shrugged, taking Willow's hand gently. "Hey, I will if you will. It's just a game. Doesn't change anything."

"Yeah, just a game," Willow muttered, more to reassure herself than anyone else. "Just a game, doesn't mean anything. Probably won't even be fun. You're probably all really bad kissers… I mean, I didn't mean that. I mean- okay, okay, I'll do it."

"WHAT?!" Buffy cried, flabbergasted, looking around at the others in shock and incredulity. "I mean, EXCUSE ME?! Do you guys seriously want to play SPIN THE BOTTLE?!"

Her eyes darted to Oz and Willow, Xander and Cordelia, but each of their expressions made it clear that if they weren't overly excited about it, they were definitely willing. Buffy shook her head, too astonished to give much coherence to her words.

"What- you guys really want- are you kidding?! No! No way! I don't even have a bottle!"

"I do," Faith interrupted, smirking, and she tossed onto the coffee table an empty Coke bottle she had gulped down from the Summers' kitchen just a few minutes ago. Buffy gawked at it, her mouth opening and closing as Faith smiled, raising an eyebrow.

"Well there's the bottle, Buff," Xander said, adjusting his seated position and leaning forward eagerly. "Let's get started, then. Faith, you're playing, right?"

"Yeah, someone's gotta show you guys how it's done," Faith replied, swaggering over and sitting casually on the coffee table edge. She was closest to Buffy, and for one anxious moment, Buffy had thought she was going to plop herself into her lap.

The brunette Slayer met Buffy's eyes with her own, hers holding a challenge… but something deeper was left unspoken, a reflection of darker thoughts Buffy couldn't read.

"Come on, B, you scared?"

Scared… that was exactly it. Buffy was scared… she'd been scared for days now. No, weeks… no, Buffy had been scared from the moment Faith introduced herself, for somehow a part of her had known even then that it would come to this.

But what was "this" anyway? This was a game, just a stupid middle school game- and there were no guarantees that she would even-

No, that has nothing to do with this. This is just stupid, that's all, just stupid. I can't believe they all want to do this! Well, actually I can with Xander. And even Willow a little…

And Faith. Dammit!

"No, I'm not scared, Faith," Buffy said defensively, but both girls knew she was lying. Their knowledge flickered in their eyes, denying, yet acknowledging, until both had to look away. All Buffy could think of suddenly was the way Faith had stared at the bedspread the night before when she'd left her…

(after she'd come so close to kissing her…)

"I'm not scared!" Buffy repeated, louder, more defensively. "I just don't wanna kiss you guys! Don't any of the rest of you think ewww with that? Do you all really want to kiss your friends?"

"Uh… no comment," Xander mumbled, his expression and sudden hunching of his shoulders, as well as his quick lowering of his eyes, making his answer more than obvious.

"Well, sure it works for you, Xander!" Buffy said testily, moving her hands with emphasis. "You're a guy, guys like this kind of thing a lot more than girls do. And you have twice as many girls to swap spit with as we do guys! It's not even close to even genderwise!"

"And… that's a problem?" Xander ventured. Cordelia promptly elbowed him in the side, alogn with an evil glare.

"It's just a game, Buffy," Willow said in her usual earnest, sweet manner, her expressive face showing concern. "It wouldn't mean anything. Just, you know, we're about to graduate, and you know, if I'm not gonna drink or party or go on a road trip or any other wild and rebellious stuff, then this is something kinda crazy too, you know? But, but without the nakedness or getting in trouble or dying from alcohol poisoning, or getting raped by someone who put a drug in your Sprite. Or being hijacked by big men in leather coats," she added, her eyes widening. "You know, this is more safe."

Safe, Buffy thought wryly, as her head began to pound steadily at her temples, slightly off rhythm of her heightened heartbeat. Then why do I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff with one foot dangling over?

"Yeah, B," Faith piped up suddenly, and Buffy looked over at her unwillingly. The other Slayer's tone was casual, but the intensity in her gaze was anything but as she met Buffy's eyes. "It's just a game… it's just kissing. It doesn't mean anything."

As Buffy looked into her eyes she wanted to flinch… for she knew that Faith was not referring to only what everyone else assumed she was.

God… Faith, what is going on with us? What is happening- how could we let this happen? How can we ever make it how it used to be, without this weird dance between us, this constant bluffing and hiding and challenging? Is that even possible anymore? Was it ever?

Buffy knew she should look away, that she should refuse to play. She knew it was a moronic, stupid idea- a dangerous one, and not only for her personally, but for others as well.

But even so, as she looked back into Faith's eyes, she found herself nodding tightly, and she heard herself agreeing.

"Okay, fine. But this is a completely, totally stupid idea."

"Good woman, Buff!" Xander approved enthusiastically, and Buffy looked down, her stomach knotting painfully.


	9. Chapter 9

"I'll go first," Xander said with barely controlled excitement. He leaned over, knocking his shoulder against Cordelia's in his haste to retrieve the plastic Coke bottle from the coffee table, and not seeming to notice her resulting glare. After he quickly dumped a few coasters and magazines off the coffee table surface, clearing it off, he motioned for Faith to get down off it. Apparently her presence would disrupt the bottle's movement or something. Her mouth twisting wryly, Faith slid to the floor, kneeling on fairly close to where Buffy was sitting on the couch.

"Okay, okay, we need to spread out a little," Xander said quickly, gesturing, and Oz slid down to the floor opposite Faith, Willow and Buffy scooting away from each other as Xander also edged away from Cordelia more. "Just so the way it's pointed is very clear. And guys, if the bottle points at you, it points at you. You kiss. On the lips! No getting out of it! No ifs, ands, or buts!"

"No butts?" Faith repeated, grinning wickedly. "Don't you like G-strings, X-Man?"

As Xander blinked, then flushed, clearly having vivid visuals about her words, and Cordelia glowered, Willow looked between them in slight contempt. "He was talking about conjunctions, Faith. You were, right?" she said with sudden uncertainty, looking over at Xander.

"Uh… sure, I guess," Xander muttered, reluctantly dragging his eyes up to Willow's. "Uh, what's a conjunction?"

"Oh, sorry, my bad," Faith said innocently, rocking back and forth on her heels. "We getting started or what, X-Man?"

Buffy thought she saw Faith glancing at her quickly as she spoke, thought she saw something flicker in her eyes, a line of thought she couldn't follow. But as soon as she began to pay closer attention, began to try and interpret it, Faith was looking away, her expression as nonchalant as usual.

"Yeah, yeah," Xander responded quickly. "Okay, so I go first. I spin, I kiss the lucky spin-ee that the bottle points at, then it's her turn to spin. Repeat, repeat, repeat."

"So…how do you win?" Willow asked a bit nervously. "Is there some kind of system of points or something? How do you know the game is over?"

She flushed, squirming, as everyone turned to stare at her in amazement. Cordelia's eyebrows rose nearly to her forehead, and Faith started to chuckle raspily, shaking her head.

"God, you're cute, Red," she snickered, "I'd pat your head or pinch your cheeks or something, but I'd have to lay across B's lap to do it. And you know how Blondie here would handle that one."

"What?" Buffy said quickly, her attention snapping to Faith, both panic and anger coloring her tone, as Willow spoke up defensively.

"Well, hey, Miss Sex-sex-sex, I, I have never played this game before, and it just seems to me that most games have something you have to do to win, or at least end it-"

"That's not the way this one works, Willow," Oz said quietly.

Faith, still grinning, said, "Red, the game ends when someone pukes, bites the other person's tongue hard enough for it to bleed, at least one couple has a screaming match, or someone starts crying hysterically. If none of the above occurs, then there's no telling."

Willow's face wrinkled apprehensively as she looked at Faith, then Xander, with obvious second thoughts. Yet she also clearly suspected that the brunette Slayer might be exaggerating just a tad. Buffy barely noticed her friend's anxiety; she was too busy watching Faith herself, her eyes narrowed as she thought almost obsessively about her casual earlier words about how Buffy would handle Faith sprawling on her lap. Why had Faith said that? Had she really meant it only in jest, was she just being her usual innuendo-spewing self again, or was that purposely meant to be a jab at Buffy? Was Faith really switching personas as rapidly as Buffy felt she was, shuttling between contrasting behaviors and actions every few hours- or was that all in Buffy's head? Was she making too much out of everything, seeing things that weren't there? Or was she missing something? What did Faith really want from her, want to be to her… or did she want anything at all? Was it really Faith at all, or was all this Buffy?

She didn't know… and she found herself staring at Faith so intensely, frowning so hard at her own puzzling, that she almost entirely missed what Xander was saying.

"Hey, none of that's going to happen," he said in response to Faiths' comment to Willow, seeming eager to squash the other Slayer's negativity. He was probably afraid they'd all quit before they even started. "It's just for fun, we're all cool with each other, it's just a little fun with friends. Isn't it? Can't we just have a little fun between friends here? With a little lip-age involved" he said almost pleadingly.

"This lippage here, none of it includes any tongue-age, does it?" Cordelia asked pointedly.

"And none of you kiss-buddies here can get mad," Faith added with an arched eyebrow, smiling slyly. "Since it's just a game and all. Fun between friends."

Willow and Cordelia looked at her sharply, not liking the sound of her tone. Buffy frowned too.

"Faith-"

"Yeah, she's right," Xander said quickly- and was that Buffy's imagination, or had he looked at Willow almost guiltily when he said that? "No tongue, no backing out, no getting mad. That about covers it. So… let's go."

He reached for the bottle and spun it, leaning forward in eager anticipation.

"Round and round she goes… where she stops…"

As the bottle came to a slow settling, Xander's face tensed in excitement… an excitement that quickly faltered when the bottle came to rest before Cordelia.

"Cordy…" he said, the disappointment in his voice and eyes all too obvious as his shoulders dropped. Faith snickered, and Buffy and Willow couldn't help but smile at the irony as Cordelia glared at him.

"Gee, Xander, you sound so excited," she snapped, her brown eyes flashing dangerously. "Mind explaining why kissing me would make you look like someone kicked your puppy?"

"What? I don't know what you're talking about, of course I'm excited! I get to kiss you! Wow!" Xander said quickly, trying without much success to subtly rearrange his features into a more suitably thrilled expression. Before Cordelia could snipe back at him, he leaned over quickly, giving her a long, lingering kiss no doubt meant to dispel her irritation. At first Cordy held herself stiff, not wanting to give in, but after a few seconds, she kissed him back in an aggressive way, as if displaying her possession and skill.

Xander was a bit breathless when they moved apart; Willow was carefully averting her eyes, obviously uncomfortable, and Oz's expression was as calm as ever. Buffy found herself glancing at Faith. The other Slayer's eyebrows were cocked, and her lips tipped up in an amused little smile that somehow didn't reflect in her eyes.

"Give me the stupid bottle," Cordelia ordered, as though she had just proved a point to someone. As Oz handed it to her, she spun it clumsily, not managing to make it turn more than a few revolutions.

The bottle mouth came to a stop before Oz. The two looked at each other, the taller Cordelia's eyes widening, then narrowing in disgust; Oz's facial expression didn't change, but something shifted in his eyes. Willow's eyes widened too, and she looked with some anxiety between them, shifting in discomfort.

"Oh, man, this I gotta see," Faith chuckled, adjusting her seated position as her eyes drank in the unlikely duo's expression.

Xander, however, didn't seem quite as amused; instead, his features stiffened suddenly, and his lips pressed together as though he were trying to keep himself from speaking his thoughts. This, however, didn't seem to last for very long.

"Well, are you gonna go, or what?" he asked with at tone walking a thin line between anxiety and impatience. "What's with the staring, are you just trying to heighten the level of suspense?"

"Not staring," Oz said calmly. "More like regarding."

"Okay, is that jealousy I hear?" Cordelia snapped, looking away from Oz and glowering at Xander all too quickly. It was as if she were glad for something to focus on other than her prospective kiss. "Because just who was it who suggested this game, Mr. I-can-make-out-with-whoever-I-want-and-it's-just-a-game-but-my-girlfriend-doing-the-same-is-a-problem? That is so typical. Well you wanted to play, so I'm gonna _play_, Xander. Since I'm such a good sport and a team player and all that."

Getting to her feet with huffy dignity, Cordelia strode over to where Oz was sitting on the floor between Willow and Xander, knocking hard against Xander's knees as she did so. Without bothering to sit, she knelt and kissed him on the lips. It was a short, obviously passionless kiss, more of a hard pressure against his lips than anything else, and Oz was not given enough time to return it. Having made her point, or assuming she had, Cordelia sashayed back to her spot, flouncing down and looking at Xander pointedly.

"Gee, what a fun game, Xander. I know _I'm_ having fun. Are _you_ having fun now?"

"Hey, I'm having fun," Faith smirked. "Even if I'm getting in on the action, there's something to be said for the Peeping Tom routine."

As Cordelia turned her withering expression to the other brunette, Oz, seeing the slightly puckered expression of Willow, smiled at her gently. He reached for her hand and squeezed it reassuringly before reaching for the bottle. He had already set it on the coffee table and spun it before everyone paid enough attention to realize he'd set the game in motion again. Willow frowned slightly as she leaned forward unconsciously, watching.

When the bottle mouth came to a stop in front of her, she smiled with a relief that was more obvious than she probably realized. Oz smiled back.

"It's all in the twist of the wrist," he mumbled, just loud enough for Willow, and Buffy beside her, to hear. Buffy smiled as Willow's smile deepened, happy for her friend and her boyfriend's sensitivity to her. As Oz moved closer to Willow, cupping her face in his hands and leaning in to kiss her softly, Faith exhaled beside Buffy, seeming in agreement with Xander's disappointment.

"What's with all the people who are already couples picking each other? Is there some kind of set up going on here, or what?" she muttered. She stretched her arms up over her head, popping her back, and causing her torso to elongate and thrust out her chest. Buffy found her eyes drifting in the younger Slayer's direction involuntarily, skimming her face, then lowering. She made herself look away- it wasn't like she was interested, of course. It was just that Faith was moving around, so obviously she was a little distracted by it.

As Oz and Willow withdrew from each other, smiling in the glowing, slightly goofy manner of two who adored each other, Willow reached for the bottle, a measure of nervousness returning to her eyes… but also a bit of guilty excitement.

"All righty, my turn, the bottle is about to spin," she mumbled. "Again. The bottle is to spin again… that rhymes. Hee hee…"

"So, spin it," Cordelia snapped impatiently. Willow set her jaw, spinning the bottle a little harder than necessary. Everyone's eyes widened as it came to a stop before a certain dark-haired Slayer, pointing directly at her still-thrust chest. As Willow's eyes grew round, and she bit her lip, looking from the bottle to Faith to the basement steps in rapid succession, Faith laughed in surprise, putting her arms back down and grinning with impish glee.

"Ooh, looks like I'm about to get in on the action after all!"

"Wait- wait, can we do that?" Willow asked anxiously, her brow furrowing as she looked around pleadingly at the others. "I mean, I'm a girl- and Faith's a girl- so we're, we're both girls, and- can we do that, is there a rule-"

"Oh yeah, yeah, you totally can do that, Will!" Xander said quickly, his tone overly earnest. "There's a rule, all right, and the rule is you have to do it. On the lips- no cheek stuff, no passing- nope, we are about to see lip to lip action between two girls, because that is the rules, and all of us here, we follow the rules!"

"So is that what you're doing when you copy Willow's homework, Xander?" Buffy asked in all mock innocence, and Cordelia piped up with fire in her eyes, "Yeah, Xander, is that what you're doing when you tell my father we're going to 'study'?"

"That's different," Xander muttered, looking away quickly, before turning back to Willow and Faith. "Come on you guys, you heard the rules when we started this, you know you have to follow them. You _are_ going to, right?" he asked with some worry.

"Oh yeah, sure we will," Faith smirked, "you know me, always one to play by the rules. Come on, Red, let's show them how it's done," she said, beckoning at the other girl with exaggerated sultriness.

Willow hesitated, apprehensive, as well as a little resentful and repulsed, at least outwardly. She had never really liked Faith, Buffy thought suddenly, as she, along with the others, watched the two girls. Or at least, she disapproved of a lot of things Faith said and did, the way she acted sometimes…

As Faith crooked her finger at Willow a second time, still grinning in seeming amusement, the redhead glanced at Oz, seeming to derive reassurance when he smiled at her. She stood reluctantly, making her way over to Faith as Xander's eyes almost popped, and he leaned forward. Buffy found that she was watching closely too, her muscles tense… why?

As Willow awkwardly stood over Faith, trying to bend down to give Faith a quick peck, Faith grabbed her wrist, stopping her. Stretching herself up higher on her haunches, still holding Willow's wrist in one hand, she put her other hand behind Willow's head, drawing the older girl's face down to hers. Their lips met in a kiss that wasn't more than a few seconds long, but somehow seemed more, with the dramatic build up Faith had put into it. She hadn't kissed Willow either hard or deeply, nor too soft, but with a firm pressure and length that seemed as if she, like Cordelia, were determined to prove a point.

When she let go of Willow in all seeming casualness, looking up at the others with the barest hint of a leer twisting her full lips, she was met all around with the reactions she must have expected. Willow's face had reddened, and her hand jerked, as if she were trying to keep herself from wiping her mouth. She kept glancing at Oz with guilt and embarrassment, as well as a little flash of anger sparking her gaze. However, her eyes kept drifting back to Faith in a way that seemed to say she hadn't entirely suffered through the experience.

Oz, as usual, was hard to read; Xander, with his eyes shining in a mixture of joy and guilt, and Cordelia, with her glower and crossed arms, wasn't.

"Not bad, Red," Faith remarked casually, stretching her arms out again. "Did you learn all that from Wolfboy here? Maybe he's hotter stuff than he looks."

As she reached for the bottle and Willow slunk back to her seat, Buffy found that she was staring into her lap, her ears burning and her stomach knotting in something like anger. Not at Willow or Faith, not exactly. It was irrational, a meaningless, almost petty feeling that didn't make sense. The way she had felt back when she was just starting to date Angel, and she had seen the way Cordelia had hung all over him…

Jealousy- but how could she be feeling jealousy? Why would she be? It didn't make any sense- it didn't- why would she be jealous watching Willow and Faith kiss?

Do you really want to go there again, Buffy? Do you really need to analyze that question?


	10. Chapter 10

As Faith spun the bottle with a casual twist, almost sending it spinning off the coffee table, Buffy found that she was almost holding her breath as she waited for it to come to a stop. And it did… in front of Oz again.

"Well, aren't you the popular one," she remarked, arching an eyebrow as she strode over to him amiably. The kiss she gave Oz was much shorter than Willow's, more of a casual afterthought. For Faith, it seemed downright sisterly. As she settled herself back in her spot and Oz reached for the bottle, Xander muttered to himself, "Yeah, seems the bottle here is giving out preferential treatment for some…"

His words cut off abruptly when the bottle stopped in front of him. As Xander's jaw dropped and his eyes bulged rather comically, Faith guffawed.

"All _right_, X-Man, about time we saw some action on your part!"

Cordelia too looked more than pleased for once; her lips turned up in an expression that was half smirking, half beaming, and she raised her eyebrows at her temporarily speechless boyfriend.

"Yeah, Xander, isn't this _fun_? Aren't you having _fun_?_ I'm_ having fun. And you know what, I'm so _not_ even jealous of you right now. Go ahead, kiss away!"

Even Buffy had to smile at this turn of events- who'd have thought Xander's game would turn against him?

Apparently someone had… for as Willow looked between Oz and Xander, half smiling, half frowning, Buffy heard Oz say to Willow in a low voice, "Like I said, it's all in the wrist."

That was enough for Willow; she joined the others more in their amusement as her smiled tipped and she laughed, her eyes sparkling with glee at Oz's admittance. Hearing yet another person deriving entertainment from his situation, Xander glared at her, starting to sputter his protests.

"But- hey, wait a minute, we can't do this. I mean, Oz, you're a cool guy and all- a lot cooler than me actually, not that that takes much-"

"Amen," Cordelia and Faith piped up at the exact same moment, and they looked at each other sharply, startled. Xander ignored them both, rambling on hurriedly.

"But, we, we can't do this. We just – look, people, we're both guys! Do you really want to see two guys kiss?! Do you really want to see _me and Oz_ kiss?!" he asked hopefully.

"Yes," a chorus of female voices greeted him in answer, varying in tone. Xander's face reddened as Cordelia's face glowed, barely able to contain her vengeful delight at his discomfort.

"Remember, Xander, you _totally _can do that," Willow reminded him her voice all sweetness and innocence. "In fact, you _have_ to do that. It's in the rules, remember, and when it comes to this game you are a meticulous rule follower."

"Yeah, Xander," Cordelia added, for once seeming to appreciate Willow's wit.

Chuckling again, Faith smirked. "Yeah, we call 'em as we see 'em, X-Man. Show us some lovin'."

Xander's eyes went to Buffy, clearly seeking her support, but she grinned back at him innocently.

"We gotcha covered, Xander."

And Oz got in his say last of all… with the same stoic, deadpan expression he usually displayed, he turned to Xander, crooking his finger at him in a clear imitation of what Faith had done to Willow. The others exploded with laughter, Faith loudest of all.

Going a deeper red than ever, Xander slowly got to his feet, shuffling his way over to Oz and bending over him with excruciating mortification. As he barely touched the other guy's lip with a contact that must have lasted less than a second, his female companions hooted and hollered, even Willow, applauding him as he broke away hurriedly and slumped red-faced into his seat.

"Oh god, my boyfriend is a swinger," Cordelia crowed. "And not even an entirely straight one." Then she shot up straighter, her face sharpening as a sudden thought occurred to her. "That better not get spread around, do you understand?! What happens stays here, you hear?"

"Thank you, Cordy," Xander mumbled gratefully, giving his girlfriend a weak smile. She just sneered at him.

"I wasn't thinking of_ you_, lamebrain. How do you think it would look for me if everyone knew my boyfriend had kissed another guy?"

"Oh, just give me the bottle," Xander muttered, all too eager to have the others move on to someone else's kiss. He spun it quickly, and the others watched eagerly, still excited from its last landing. This time the bottle came to a rest pointing at Buffy.

"All right, that's more like it," he said just a little too loudly, his all-too-evident relief and returning enthusiasm loosening his face. The others looked alternately disappointed or slightly uncomfortable, for some knew the not-too-long-at-rest crush Xander had carried for Buffy. This could be awkward to observe.

Faith, however, seemed neither, Buffy realized; the other girl was watching with her lips still turned up slightly, but not in a way or manner than could be described as a true smile. Nor did she make any wry or sarcastic comments, as she had with most of the others; if anything, she too quiet, too still as her dark eyes focused on the two of them intently. Buffy wondered what she was thinking. But no, she didn't want to know, didn't want to go there. And besides, it was probably nothing.

Exhaling, almost amused, yet almost reticent upon seeing the hope in Xander's eyes, the anticipation, Buffy got to her feet slowly.

"I guess I couldn't avoid the bottle's wrath forever," she remarked. "This is such a stupid game, you guys. How much longer are we gonna do this, honestly?"

Still, she made her way over to Xander, resting her hands on his shoulders as she gave him a short, rather sisterly kiss, ending it quickly before he could turn it into something more. Still as she returned to her seat he was smiling with enough pleasure that Cordelia shoved at him again, and Willow was watching him with worry. Buffy did not look at Faith, but she swore she could feel the younger Slayer still watching her.

"All right, my turn," Buffy muttered. "Oh yay yay yay."

She spun the bottle with a half-hearted gesture, already dreading its outcome even as she tried to keep her face casual. The earlier knots in her stomach had pulled tighter, so that she felt physically ill. When were they all going to get tired of this game? Willow had a point- when did you know the game was over?

The bottle slowed, then settled to a stop… pointing directly at the still-silent Faith. As the Slayers' eyes met, a stunned, silent moment passing between them, Buffy felt her heart rise up to her throat, nearly choking her, and her stomach dropped down low enough to nauseate her further.

Faith… the bottle had landed on Faith. She was supposed to kiss Faith on the mouth…

(again…)

"All right!" Xander whooped, seeming completely oblivious to the tension that had befallen the two girls. "Buffy and Faith, Fuffy and Baith! This game rocks!"

"Xander, you are _this close_ to being on the receiving end of the full blown wrath of Cordelia Chase, and it is _not_ a pretty thing," Cordelia snapped, giving him a warning stare.

Willow looked between the two Slayers a bit apprehensively, as though expecting one of them to explode… but also with a bit of fascination, even anticipation. Even Oz seemed interested in their reactions- but for several moments neither girl seemed able to give on. Buffy could see how the blustering confidence had fled from Faith's eyes, leaving them dark and nearly overflowing in their dread and fear. Sentiments that Buffy knew must be echoing in her own gaze.

At last, several beats too late to be convincing, or to hide that anything had passed between them, Faith's eyes quickly cleared, and she gave Buffy and the others a slightly crooked version of her arrogant smirk, straightening and then relaxing her formerly stiff shoulders.

"Well, the hand of fate has spoken, B. You gonna heed its call, or what?"

Buffy's eyes jerked away from Faith, darting about the room almost frantically as she looked at each of the others, trying to find a way- any way- to get out of the situation. She could feel her heart beating so fast she felt light-headed, dizzy. She couldn't do this…

"Yeah, yeah, okay, guys, this has all been very funny, tons of fun, but time out, game over, okay?" she burst out with, looking anywhere but at the still-watchful girl beside her. "Enough's enough. I'm not doing this- I'm not kissing her."

"What?!" Xander exclaimed, looking as stricken as if someone had told him that Christmas was cancelled. "You_ have_ to play, Buffy! You _have_ to kiss her! It's the rules! The rules say!"

"Well I don't play by the rules," Buffy said shortly, trying very hard to keep her voice from shaking.

"But you have to!" Xander cried helplessly, spreading out his arms so passionately they almost hit Cordelia. "You haven't even played at all yet- you haven't spun the bottle yet even once! That's not fair!"

"What, are we six, Xander?" Buffy snapped, "the only reason you can come up with to stop me is 'that's not fair'?"

"Hey, it's not fair and you know it," Xander said defensively. "Everybody else kissed whoever the bottle landed on! You don't get to have redos! Don't you think I would have done a redo if I could have when the bottle landed on Oz? But no, I sucked it up! Not literally, there was no sucking involved. None whatsoever," he said hurriedly, looking from Oz to Cordelia to Willow. "Right, Oz?"

"Right," Oz said dryly.

"But I kissed Oz, and he's a guy, if that's what you're wigging out over, Faith being a girl and all. So how's that different? You can't wiggle out of this, Buff!" Xander said, trying to sound stern, but only succeeding in sounding pleading.

"But this is different, Xander!" Buffy argued. "This is…"

This is Faith, she wanted to say, this is me and Faith… and with Faith, it's totally different. With you and Oz, even with Faith and Willow, you guys will look back on it later, and you'll laugh. You might have been repulsed in that moment, reluctant, uncomfortable… but when it comes down to it, that's all it was to both of you. A moment's discomfort. It didn't change anything between you… It didn't change _you_. It was nothing but part of a game, and you knew it- both of you knew it. You both knew where you stood, both during and after it happened.

But with us, with me and Faith, it's different, Xander. You haven't hugged Oz, haven't held his hand and danced with him. You haven't slept in the same bed with him and woke up to him cuddled up to your side… and you haven't looked at him and felt a desire to never look away again.

You could walk away from kissing Oz and be okay… you could walk away, without fearing you'd want to turn back and kiss him again.

Like you did before.

But she couldn't say that! She couldn't say any of that!

"It's just different, Xander," she said lamely instead, knowing how weak and stupid both her words and her tone sounded. "We can't do this. We just can't, okay?"

"What?! Why?!" Xander cried out indignantly, like a petulant child being told that he couldn't have a candy bar at the grocery store. "What's the big deal, Buffy? All you gotta do is put your lips to Faith's, not stick your tongue down her digestive tract!"

"Xander, you are about to experience my wrath!" Cordelia yelped a split second before sucker-punching him in the side, causing him to double over grunting in pain. Willow too looked horrified… if a bit intrigued.

"Oh ewww, scary visual place, pictures in the head, go away!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Xander gasped, still holding his side. "But Buffy, you can't back out, these are rules!"

"Hey, if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to," Faith spoke up suddenly, and all the others turned to look at her in surprise. She had been so quiet that, other than mentioning the prospect of her kissing Buffy, they had nearly forgotten she was there. She looked back at them with some defiance, her posture and expression closed, defensive.

"She's right, this is stupid. She doesn't have to kiss me if she doesn't want to," she repeated… and for a moment Buffy could have sworn she heard her voice drop down even huskier than usual, as though it were fading. Buffy looked at her, reluctant, but unable to keep herself from doing so. Faith's eyes showed nothing, or at least they would to the casual observer… but Buffy had spent a great deal of time trying to read Faith's eyes over the past several weeks, and she thought she was getting fairly skilled at reading their complicated depths. Either that, or she had an overly vivid imagination.

What Buffy thought she saw faintly in Faith's eyes was hurt… even as the girl's mouth twisted into yet another of her sly little smiles, Buffy was almost certain that she was masking her negative emotions. Buffy was rejecting her in more than one way- and publically, in front of all her friends. No matter what Faith really thought or felt about Buffy, how she viewed or wanted to change or keep their relationship, this had to hurt her… and her eyes told Buffy that it did.

Of course, Faith was doing all she could to hide this. She was at this moment cocking her head at Buffy, her smile widening, and she said playfully, "I understand, B, I'm just too hot to handle for some people. You're just afraid to take me on, afraid you might be burned. Gotta admit, that's a pretty good possibility."

Buffy just looked back at her with confliction; she knew what Faith really meant, or at least she thought she did. She thought she knew what the brunette was saying, what she really wanted…

She thought she did, anyway. But god, she couldn't give it to her. She just couldn't.

Author notes: So I know that's a horrible way to end it for now... more soon though, promise. And yeah I know Buffy is being... not satisfying and nice, for lack of a better word, lol.


	11. Chapter 11

"So what's going on here?" Cordelia asked bluntly. "Are you going to kiss or what? What's with the dramatic pauses, because trust me, it doesn't heighten the suspense or whatever. It just makes me impatient."

"Yeah," Willow said in a quieter voice, meant more for Buffy to hear than the others as she turned toward her, frowning slightly in confusion. "Why are you making such a big deal over this, Buffy? We all know it's just a game. I mean, I know you're both girls, but Xander kissed Oz, like he said. And I kissed Faith too… it doesn't mean anything. I mean- it doesn't, right?"

Her eyes stole over to Faith almost guiltily, and there was a weird little flicker of doubt in her gaze as she looked back at Buffy. Seeing it, and knowing how closely the others were watching her, Buffy felt her neck reddening in small patches, and she stiffened. Her heart was still hammering along entirely too quickly to suit her…

Oh god, she thought in near panic, Willow knows. Willow knows, she suspects me, or she will suspect me if I don't do this, if I don't go through with this. Everyone will… god, what am I supposed to do, how did she know?!

But it's not true! Or if it is, I gotta _make_ it not true, I-I have to do this. I have to kiss her, I have to- there isn't another way. That's it, I'm going to do it, right now, and it won't mean anything because this is just a game, all of them know it's just a game.

It is!

Thus having counseled herself, Buffy looked back at Willow, then at Faith, forcing a smile.

"You're right, Will, I'm being silly. It's just a game, it's just a kiss. Doesn't mean anything. Nope, nothing," she babbled, wanting to strangle herself as she heard herself running on. "It's not like she's got cooties or something, right, Faith?"

Faith looked back at her with an expression that was suddenly losing its cockiness, her dark eyes clouding.

"I wouldn't be so sure that, B," she muttered, but her usual snarkiness was absent from her tone.

"Well, I'm a Slayer," Buffy muttered back, "guess I'm living dangerously."

Seeing no other way to get around it and having no more ideas in how to delay it, Buffy slid down slowly, reluctantly onto the floor beside the other girl. As she leaned in toward her slowly, looking into Faith's eyes, she could see her own reflected back at her, mingled in with the sudden strange paradox of dread and longing she could see rising up in their dark surface.

As Buffy gently cupped Faith's cheek in one hand, using her hand to steady them both as she drew closer, she felt the knots in her stomach loosen, sending a warm relief through her torso. It was not an altogether unpleasant sensation, even if her heart seemed to be beating faster than a hummingbird's wings. All in all a de ja vu was coming over her in those few moments, as though the time between their first kiss and this one had melted and merged away, molding into this one moment, with none of the confusions and angsts in between them ever having existed.

She could sense Faith's heartbeat so close, every bit as rapid as her own, could feel the warmth of her under her hand, the softness of her smooth cheek, her long hair once more brushing Buffy's shoulder and cheek. She could hear Faith's suddenly faster breathing, hear her swallowing as the younger Slayer closed her eyes, going very still. She could smell Faith's scent, a strange mix of cigarettes, cheap motel soap, and too-strong perfume. On any other girl it would have been a scent to make Buffy wrinkle her nose, but on Faith it was heady, almost erotic… especially considering that underneath her surface smell, Buffy could faintly make out the unique odor of Faith's natural scent as a person.

When their lips met, it was all Buffy could do not to give into her desire to turn it into something more, something deeper and more passionate… and yet somehow it seemed, almost because of its restraint, to be even more so than if she had heavily made out with her.

The contact of Buffy's lips against Faith could not have lasted more than five seconds, and Faith did not kiss her back. Faith did not do anything but sit there, her body and face rigid…

When Buffy pulled away jerkily, quickly stumbling back up onto the couch, her cheeks were flaming, and the knots in her stomach quickly tied and tangled themselves up even more complexly than they had been.

Oh god oh god, I am in for it…

The others were looking between her and Buffy, seeming as stunned as Faith appeared to be… and every bit as still and quiet. Buffy squirmed even more inwardly. This was not good, oh god, this was not good… why weren't they laughing? Hadn't they laughed at Xander and Oz? Why didn't someone say something? Why didn't Faith? She didn't dare look at Faith…

Finally Xander broke the uncomfortable long silence; his words were short, but heavy with awe.

"Wow…"

"Yeah, yeah, okay, I kissed Faith, ha ha," Buffy broke in quickly, suddenly finding herself not only able to speak again, but unable to stop herself from doing so. "You don't' have to look like we killed someone or spun our head a la Linda Blair, or something. It's just a game, remember? And you told us to, you said it was in the rules. It's just stupid and meaningless and it doesn't mean anything, that's what meaningless is, having no meaning. So quit gawking already, okay? Why in the world are we playing this stupid game anyway?"

"Uh…" Xander said, having a hard time getting his mind away from replaying what he'd just seen and on focusing on what Buffy was now saying. "Because we're teenagers. And being a teenager involves stupidity and hormones, preferably mixed. And this game mixes them nicely."

"Well it _is_ stupid. Very stupid. Having to kiss people you don't love or even like in that way, that is very stupid," Buffy ranted. "Where's the stupid bottle? Are you going to spin, Faith? Or can we stop? Can we quit now, does anyone else want to quit?"

She looked at Faith quickly, not sure what it was that she was looking for, or hoping to see. Faith was still sitting entirely too still, her face so deliberately blank that there was an unintentional tightness about her features, making her seem almost grim.

As Buffy addressed her, Faith looked over at her, and her mouth pressed together briefly before slipping up into a tight little smile. Her eyes seemed flat, completely lacking the glimmer they usually carried.

"Yeah, I quit, B. This is a stupid game."

Without any further ado, she got to her feet quickly, making her way with jerky yet forceful movements to the basement steps. As the others turned with shock to watch her go, they saw the basement door slam behind her and knew she wasn't planning on returning.

As usual, it was Xander who spoke first. Looking with dismay from the basement steps to Buffy, and then even daring to sneak in a glance at Cordelia, he said with disappointment, "Man, you girls really know how to spoil a good time…"

Cordelia too was looking at Buffy, then the stairs, with confusion, as well as more than a little annoyance. Raising her eyebrows at Buffy as she turned toward her again, she said with no shortage of sarcasm, "Is there something I'm missing here, or is it just a PMS day?"

"I would give a 'no comment' response to that one," Oz advised quietly.

Willow was frowning at Buffy, forehead puckered with the confusion the rest of them shared… but there was something about the way she held her mouth, the glinting of her hazel eyes, that made Buffy think once again that she somehow knew what was going on, what had happened between her and Faith. But how- how could she know? Buffy hadn't said anything, and surely Faith hadn't either, right? So how could she know? How-

"Buffy- are- you're not just going to let her leave, are you?" Willow said uncertainly. "I mean, she kind of- well, that was weird, and I think she's angry, or upset or something- you know- I think you hurt her feelings, Buffy," she said quietly, lowering her voice a little so that only Buffy beside her heard. "When you were making such a big thing out of kissing her. I think you should go find her and talk to her, make sure she's okay."

"What? Of course she's okay," Buffy said quickly, "she's not upset! Why would she be upset? I'm not upset, are any of you guys upset?"

"I am-" Xander began, but a sharp jab to the ribs from Queen Cordelia silenced him to only a short grunt. Buffy looked from him to Willow anxiously, trying to rearrange her features into bland carelessness and knowing they were slipping.

"She just, she was sick of playing this, like me. It's a stupid game. Stupid. It's stupid," Buffy repeated, barely stopping herself from adding a fourth "stupid" to her monologue. As she dared to glance at Willow again, the serious though she found in her eyes made her want to cringe and look away. God, she must know, how could Willow be looking at her like that and not knowing?

Know what? There is nothing to know, Buffy, nothing!

"Buffy, I think you should go after her," Willow said quietly, looking directly and with intent meaning into the blonde's eyes.

Buffy could not make herself tear her eyes away from her friend's gaze; it seemed as Willow looked at her that she knew her much better than Buffy would have preferred in that moment. Willow knew her, and she knew what it was that Buffy should do…

And Buffy knew that Willow was right. She knew that she should go after Faith, that she had an obligation to. She didn't want to hurt the other girl, didn't mean to insult her or confuse her. She had never wanted any of this… all she wanted was to have everything the way it once had been. All she wanted was to be the way _she_ once had been, before all this mess with Faith…

But she couldn't, she knew she couldn't. It was too late… and just because she wanted things different didn't mean that she could change them, or pretend them away, she realized suddenly. And her wishes didn't' give her the right to punish or hurt Faith to try and preserve them.

She _did_ have to go after Faith. She had to talk to her, sort things out for better or worse. She owed her that.

"Yeah, you're right, Willow," Buffy said quietly, looking away. "I'll go get her."

She stood up, making her way up the stairs at a pace set quickly enough not to give herself time to change her mind. All the while she was trying to calm herself, trying to prepare herself, having no idea what she was going to say- if she could even find Faith, if the other girl wasn't already gone…


	12. Chapter 12

Joyce Summers looked up as Buffy began to stride through the kitchen, heading for the front door. She was sitting at the kitchen table, sorting through what looked like a stack of bills.

"Hi, honey," she greeted her daughter, smiling brightly as Buffy nodded at her distractedly, trying to leave as quickly as possible. "What are you kids up to down there? You look so rushed- are you okay?"

Her face crinkled in a look of motherly concern, she started to stand, intending to make her way to her daughter. Buffy shook her head at her quickly, trying to force a smile even as she backed away. There was no telling how far away Faith had gotten by now. Would she go to her motel, the Bronze, what? The girl was used to walking, that was for sure.

"Nothing, Mom, everything's fine. Have you seen Faith?"

"Well, yes, honey, she just came through here a minute ago," Joyce said, furrowing her brow. "I tried to talk to her too, but I don't' think she even heard me. She was going pretty fast. Is something going on, Buffy?"

Her voice lowered to a loud whisper as she looked around the room, as if scanning for eavesdroppers. "Something to do with all that slaying business?"

"No, no, Mom, nothing like that," Buffy said quickly. "Just- look, where did Faith go?"

"Out the front door," Joyce said, pointing. "She looked to be in an awful hurry, Buffy. Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

Buffy was already following her mother's pointed finger, not bothering to glance back as she called to her, "No, Mom, everything's good, see you!"

As she nearly ran out the front door and onto her lawn, she could feel her heart beginning to pound in rhythm with her rapid footsteps, a steady thudding beat that underscored the nerves cramping her stomach. Where was Faith… what in the world was she going to stay to her if she found her?

She had run a little ways down the street in the direction of Faith's motel room when she saw her, her sharper Slayer eyesight seeing the girl's form even as far ahead as she was. Calling Faith's name, Buffy began to run after her, seeing how, though Faith did not turn, her posture stiffened, and she sped up her already rapid stride. Buffy ran to catch up to her, still calling her name with gasping breaths. When Buffy reached her side and the other girl still hadn't turned, hadn't acknowledged her, Buffy grabbed hold of her arm, pulling her to a stop beside her.

"Faith, wait!"

Faith turned to face her then almost violently, and Buffy could see the way her jaw was set, the tightness of her lips, the tension in her back and shoulders. Her dark eyes sparked with a dangerous forebearing, a barely controlled emotion that seemed very close to surfacing… anger, Buffy thought, but somehow, it also seemed possible that it was tears.

"Why should I, B?" she said roughly, shaking Buffy's hand off her. "I think I've waited for you long enough."

She started to walk away, but Buffy grabbed her again, still breathing heavily from her run.

"Faith- what are you talking about? What do you mean? Look, I'm sorry if you're mad, or upset or something, but I don't understand why you're doing this!"

Faith snorted loudly at that, shaking her head in disbelief. "You don't understand? Of course you don't, B. You wouldn't, would you? Do you know _why_ you don't understand? Because you don't want to."

She started to pull away from Buffy again, but Buffy tightened her fingers on her, determined to finish out what they had started.

"Yes, I do, Faith. Look- this isn't fun for me either! Don't' you think I wish it wasn't like this? Don't you think I wish I could make it okay?! Don't' run away, Faith. Let me talk to you. Make me understand. Help me make this okay!"

"Oh, you want to understand?" Faith snapped, glowering at her fiercely. "You want to make this okay? It's a little too fucking late to make it okay, B, but I'll damn well make you understand!"

She was breathing nearly as heavily as Buffy was now, her chest rising and falling quickly, swallowing several times as if she couldn't quite breathe. Even with the anger sketched harshly across her features, Buffy also saw her pain, and it hurt something deep within her to know that she was the cause of it.

"You're asking to wait for you now, to listen to you, like I haven't been waiting and listening for you since the day we met! I have been waiting and waiting for you, Buffy, and I'm fucking sick of it! When I first came here and you didn't even want me here, didn't want me taking over your friends and your town and your place as the one and only Slayer Superhero, I waited for you to get over yourself enough to stop resenting me. Then I waited for you to start accepting me, to act like I was a friend of some sort to you, even if I wasn't up to the same level of acceptance you gave the so-called "Scooby gang", " Faith said, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "I waited for you to like me, B, to act like maybe I wasn't just a stupid pain in the ass to you who just made your job harder. And I got all that after I'd waited long enough, or so I thought. Do you realize how hard that was for me just to _wait_ for you, to not push things or try to make you hurry up a little?! I'm not a fucking patient person, B, that was not fucking _easy_ for me! But I thought I had it, I thought I was getting it. I thought it would be worth it. But I've been waiting and waiting for you to move on up to the next level in your own plodding, backtracking, crazy-fucking-slow B way, and I think I'm finally getting it that maybe you're just not gonna go any further. Maybe I'm wasting my time and my hopes. Yeah, I have fucking _hopes_, B. Or I did. But I can't do this anymore," Faith said, and her voice dropped, almost cracking. "I can't wait any more. I can't."

For the third time she tried to yank herself from Buffy's hold on her, but Buffy grabbed her with her left hand as well, holding Faith by the upper arm and wrist. She could hardly believe what the other girl was saying, could hardly comprehend it… how could she respond that that?! How _should_ she? What did she think, what did she feel… she didn't know, couldn't say. She could not let Faith go… btu what was she supposed to do if the other Slayer stayed?

"Faith…" she breathed, her voice small, unsteady, younger than her age. "Faith… are you… are you saying that you wanted to be with me? Like- like two girls, as like, like a couple- a couple in a relationship? With, with dates, and…"

Kissing… kissing, and love, and the whole full monty…

Buffy's head was pounding, and she couldn't decide if she wanted to vomit, cry… or pull Faith into her arms, resting her head on the taller girls' shoulder.

"Yeah, Buffy, wow, keep showing off that quick little mind of yours!" Faith snapped, her eyes flashing, jaw clinching, as Buffy felt the tautness of her skin beneath her fingers, tensed. "Ding ding ding, give the girl a gold star!"

"Faith," Buffy said weakly, her shoulders sagging as she half closed her eyes, suddenly drained of so much of her energy that it was an effort to remain standing. Her fingers loosened on Faith's arm, and she swayed slightly, catching herself.

"Faith… I…"

"Are you telling me you didn't know, B?" Faith snorted, looking at Buffy with clear disbelief. She seemed oblivious to Buffy's sudden weakness… or maybe she was just too upset to care. "How could you not know?! I gave you all the fucking clues you needed! Granted, I didn't hit you over the head with them with a sledgehammer, B, but that isn't my style. Believe it or not I'm a more subtle girl than that. You knew- there is no way you can tell me you didn't know!"

"But I didn't, Faith!" Buffy protested weakly, letting her arm at last fall away from the other girl, dropping back at her side. "Of course I didn't know! I didn't… how could I have…"

But she had… the thing was that she had. Maybe not immediately after she'd gotten to know Faith, but not long after… somehow she had known.

(And reciprocated…)

"No," she whispered, and then repeated herself, louder, more desperate. "No. No…"

"God, B… you really are good at blinding yourself when you want to, aren't you?" Faith said roughly, her usually husky voice dropping even lower than usual, shaking with barely held back emotion. "You can really make yourself see what you want to see, really talk yourself into it. Of course, so can I."

She exhaled loudly, a long, shuddery breath that momentarily collapsed her face, ridding it of most of its anger and defenses, revealing the pain below the surface. Faith looked somehow both young and lost, betrayed, and yet old, a cynical woman who knew she would only get more hardships thrown her way.

"I thought you wanted what I did, B," she said more quietly, and it scared Buffy how soft her tone was, the plea that was in her eyes. "I thought you were thinking and feeling the same, that you'd just have to take your long, crazy-ass stubborn-B way of getting around to where you'd be okay to say it, admit it. I thought you wanted this… that you wanted _me_. But I guess not. I guess that was my own stupidity, just me gettin' it all wrong like usual. Obviously it was just a hormone thing after all to you, just you gettin' your kicks or having a momentary insanity thing or something. I should have just kept my fuckin' mouth shut. Shit."

She sighed raggedly, turning with less passion than the previous times to walk away, shoulders slumped head lowered so that her dark hair hid most of her face. Buffy stared after her, still struggling to wrap her mind around what the younger girl had said, still trying to sort out her own tangled emotions. God, god, god…

Author note: conversation is nowhere near finished here. I just wanted to update pretty quickly... more soon, promise


	13. Chapter 13

As Faith walked away from her, something struck Buffy.

"But you said yourself!" Buffy blurted out at Faith's retreating back, almost desperately. "You said that, that it was a hormone thing, that it didn't mean anything! You said-"

"Of course I said that!" Faith nearly screamed, spinning around once more to face Buffy so quickly that she almost tripped on the uneven sidewalk. "Of course I said that, B! What was I supposed to say- 'Gee, B, I was really kinda hopin' that we'd kiss again!' 'Gee, B, I didn't know I was a lesbian or bisexual or whatever the hell you call it until you showed up!' 'Hey B, wanna fuck?' Are you serious, thinkin' I could say that! You had just looked at me like I was about to rape or murder you or somethin'- like I was somethin' bigger and uglier and scarier than any of the damned demons we've taken down! Of course I acted like it didn't matter, like I didn't care- that's the only thing you could have handled hearing!"

Her breathing coming in short, panting hitches, Faith's eyes bore into Buffy's hard, leaving her paralyzed at the sight of their rawness, unable to look away. Buffy swallowed hard as Faith went on, her voice gaining speed and intensity as she spoke.

"What was I supposed to say, _Buffy_? Was I supposed to say that it fuckin' hurts to breathe when I see you turn away from me, when your eyes get that look, like you're disgusted by me, afraid to brush against me, let alone touch me! Was I supposed to say that I think about you all the time, that I actually want to make you _happy, proud_ of me, when I never gave a shit what anyone thought of me before! Was I supposed to say how much I liked when you touched me, even if it's just somethin' stupid like holding my hand! Or was I supposed to tell you that you're the first person I actually wanted to touch me, that I really cared if they wanted me or like me? Was I supposed to tell you that you're the only person I ever kissed where I liked it and wanted more, where I cared about them and thought they cared about me too? Was I supposed to fuckin' tell you all that, Buffy!" Faith almost shrieked as she leaned toward Buffy aggressively, her face contorting into a twisted expression of her strongly negative emotions.

Her lips quivered, and she blinked furiously as she spoke again, her voice a hissing near whisper.

"I thought you cared, B, or that you_ would_ care. That I could_ make_ you care. But I was obviously bullshittin' myself again, that was obviously bullshit. Or at least that's what you want me to think… and what _you_ want to think."

"Faith- Faith, no," Buffy cried out helplessly, not wanting the other girl to leave, yet still utterly at sea with her own thoughts and feelings. "Faith, that's not it, that's not it at all. I_ do_ care, I do care about you. I didn't want to hurt you or make us fight… god, I didn't want this. I didn't want _any_ of this. You don't know, you don't understand, you don't know how much this bothers me. God… Faith, I don't want this, I don't' want to hurt you. I-I… god! We just- we can't _do_ this, we can't _be_ that to each other! I don't- we- we just can't, Faith!"

"_Why_?" Faith cried, and the anguish in her tone was so unlike her that Buffy stared, stunned and horrified. She watched the other Slayer begin to pace, gesturing with her arms wildly. 

"Why can't we? Why would that be so wrong, so awful? Don't give me that bullshit about how much you care about me, and then turn around and say you can't! That is_ shit_, B! You could and you know it! If you really wanted to, if you really did give a shit about me like you say, then you would do it. You wouldn't care, nothing would stop you if it was what you wanted- if_ I_ was what you wanted. Obviously though I'm not." 

"Faith- that's not it! This is complicated, Faith, this isn't something normal and easy- it- this is a big thing-"

"Oh, so it was normal and easy with Angel?" Faiths spat, refusing to let Buffy make any further excuses as she fixed a hard gaze on the flinching older girl. "That wasn't complicated, B? That wasn't a big thing? Not everyone approved of that, everyone thought you were crazy to be with him. And maybe you were, but you didn't care! You loved him, so you tried to make it work with him even if it wasn't something simple and easy! You cared enough to at least try."

"That was different!" Buffy almost whispered, shaking her head. She did not want to see the fierceness of the other Slayer's expression, the way Faith's body was so rigid, its muscles tautly drawn, how she was beginning to quiver involuntarily… probably hating to do so, but unable to stop.

"That was different," Buffy repeated, trying to make her voice stronger, more certain, to convince herself that this was indeed the way she felt. "Angel was a guy… Angel- I'm not-"

"Angel was a vampire!" Faith almost yelled, her face pushed close to Buffy's, twisting in a way that made her pretty features seem distorted and strange. "Angel was over 200 years old! And he was _dead_! If you could love a guy who needs to drink a pint of O positive every day, a guy who tortured and killed people for over a century, a guy whose _heart isn't even beating_, and you didn't care what people thought- then why would it be so impossible to do the same with someone who happens to have the same girly parts you do! Let me tell you, B, if it's social acceptance you're worried about, it's a lot more normal these days to be with someone of the same gender than someone who's dead."

Her eyes dropped, and her voice lowered, tight, very controlling of precarious emotion. She looked and sounded as if she were speaking through gritted teeth.

"No, B, it's not because you can't. It's because you don't want to."

Buffy couldn't bring herself to speak… for several moments she looked at Faith without words, her stomach twisting painfully, tears rising, choking her throat, scalding her eyes. She blinked them away with what she feared to be only temporary success, as her thoughts scattered, so rapid and incoherent she no longer understood anything. What did she feel, what did she want? What was she going to do- what did she need to do? No matter what happened, what she said or did, she was certain that it would be wrong, that someone would be hurt.

(That both of us will be hurt…)

(You're hurting her, Buffy, look how badly you're hurting her. Look at her face, her shoulders, her eyes… god, look what you're doing to her. You heard what she said to you, know how she feels… you know what she wants, what she needs from you. She has ripped herself open and laid herself down at your feet in a way she never has before, and never will again. And after you hurt her too…)

(So what are you going to do about it? You know she's right. You _know_ it, Buffy… or should I say, B. And you know what? You know what _you_ want too… you want her. You've spent so much time running from it, denying it… why? What would happen if you turned around and faced it- turned around and faced _her_?)

I can't, Buffy told herself desperately, feeling herself beginning to tremble, unconsciously mirroring the dark-haired Slayer as she tore her eyes away from her. I can't!

(Why? Why can't you? Would it be so bad? Isn't that what you want- what you both want? Do you really care what anyone else thinks? Would it really be so weird, when it felt so good, so right? Isn't she right- don't you see that if you cared about her like you say you do, that none of this would even be an issue? Don't you really care about her, then? Or is that all just lip service?)

(Of course I care about her! I hate this, hate doing this to her. But…)

(But what? What are you doing, then?)

"No," Buffy found herself saying hoarsely, her tone as raw and splintered as she felt inside. "No, Faith, that's not true. It isn't. I-I don't… I don't know what I want. This is, this- it's all so weird, and I'm so sorry, but I don't know… I just… I'm scared, Faithy," she said, her voice dropping even further, a cracked whisper barely audible to even the other Slayer's sharp ears. "I'm scared… god, I'm so sorry."

It wasn't until she felt the tears on her cheeks, heard the loud sob burst from her throat, that Buffy realized she had began to cry. She lowered her head further, shutting her eyes, but still the tears leaked from beneath her lids. As she breathed in slow, shuddering breaths, trying to get back some semblance of control, she didn't dare to look up at Faith. She hated herself for what she was doing, for being so torn and weak… and yet so hurtful. As much as she was hurting now, she knew that she must be hurting Faith even more. And yet the other girl, as usual, would never let her see, never give her the satisfaction, never let herself break… if at all she could help it.

Thinking this only made Buffy feel worse, as she continued to look away from Faith, breathing in and out slowly. She did not look up to see the younger girl's face soften slightly, growing pensive, uncomfortable, yet concerned, almost apologetic. She did hear her take a step closer to her, and when Faith's hand hovered near her, finally settling lightly on her arm, Buffy nearly jumped. Her eyes widened as she looked up at her.

"Look… look, it's okay, B. Don't worry about it, it's five by five. So I was wrong, what else is new? You don't want me, it was all in my head, and now you feel all bad and guilty about it. Don't, it's no big deal. 

It's- it's five by five," Faith repeated awkwardly, even as her eyes told a very different story. "Just, you know, story of my life and all, it gets me a little pissed sometimes. But really… it's- it's…"

Her voice trailed off as she kept her hand on Buffy gingerly, hesitantly, as if she were wavering between taking it away or stepping her touching up a level. And even with that light physical contact of Faith's skin against hers, Buffy could make herself aware of nothing else, nothing but the warmth against her slightly cool skin. As her Slayer connection to the other girl kicked up a notch, it seemed to her that Faith was much closer physically than she actually was.

Suddenly she could feel her… not just her hand, her physical presence, but _her_, the essence of Faith. Her fear and resentment, anger and hesitance, her inner strength and determination. Her loyalty and her remaining shreds of innocence that she so steadily clung to. Her crippling insecurity and her need for attention, whether negative or not…

But mostly, Buffy felt Faith's overwhelming desire for love and acceptance. It was a part of her so strong so all-encompassing of every other aspect of her, that Buffy recoiled, stunned by its fierce strength. An agonizing ache that went with it, filling her body so fully that Buffy immediately felt simultaneous and equally strong urges to strike out at something, to give them a portion of the hurt she felt and to diminish her own…and also to crumple into someone's arms and cry, to soak up any comfort they could or were willing to give her.

Her breath catching raspily in her throat, Buffy raised stricken eyes to meet Faith's, scarcely able to breathe. Was this really how Faith felt! How could she stand it- how could she speak, how could she look at Buffy as if it were_ she_ that Faith was worried about!

And then another thought struck Buffy… what if this was always how Faith felt? What if every day, Faith felt this, and said nothing, showed no signs of it?

Somehow, Buffy suspected that this was true.

The thought of Faith smiling cockily, swaggering about spouting wisecracks as she felt such anguish inside, was enough to make tears spring from Buffy's eyes once more. She closed her eyes, pressing her lips tightly together. Oh Faith, oh god… poor Faith, my poor Faith… how could she do this every day? Why didn't I see it- why didn't she tell me?

(Because you didn't want to see… and you wouldn't have understood.)

As soon as the thought struck her, she knew it was true. And what's more… she knew what she had to do. What on some level, she had always wanted to do.

�

Author notes: I know, I know, another cliffhanger. I'm evil... go ahead and throttle me.


	14. Chapter 14

Buffy let out a long, shaky breath, swiping underneath her eyes and sniffing back the rest of her tears even as she blinked them away. Faith was still looking at her, guilt mixed with near alarm, for she had rarely seen Buffy cry, and never been the cause of it. 

"B- are you okay? Look, I'm sorry. Don't' cry- I told you, it's five by five. You don't wanna be with me, that's cool, I get it. I'm not gonna force you or nothin', I can't even blame you really. I'm not mad or nothin'. Just, don't cry-"

"But I do, Faith," Buffy told her, glad when her voice came out steady. "I do want to be with you."

As she continued to search Faith's eyes, she watched the other girls' face freeze in shock. Slowly her eyes grew narrow, going small and dark with suspicion and confusion. As Faith's face stiffened, wary, stricken, Buffy also saw something shift subtly in her expression… something like hope. Whatever it was, it was fleeting.

"B- what are you saying?" she asked in a low voice, anger and suspicion, caution and hesitance all wrapped up in her words. "Do you- you're not just messin' with me, are you? Because that isn't funny. Just because you- look, if you think I'm gonna let you…"

Buffy leaned in closer to her then, her hand going to caress Faith's face… settling in the same position it had cupped her cheek when she had kissed her in that abandoned game of Spin the Bottle. She could feel Faith freeze beneath her hand, feel her pulse in her jaw… the other girl was afraid. Afraid, and scarcely daring to hope.

(Can you blame her?)

As Buffy leaned into her, breathing in the younger girl's scent once more, she inhaled it so thoroughly that it almost seemed her own. And as her lips met Faith's gently, as soft and lovingly as a mother might kiss her newborn child, there no longer seemed to be many distinctions between her and the other girl. And what distinctions remained… well, they hardly seemed to matter.

Buffy pulled Faith in toward her tenderly, kissing her again as her hand crept around to the back of Faith's head, absorbing the feel of her dark hair. Her other hand splayed against the small of Faith's back, rubbing it gently, in a way that was reminiscent of one comforting a frightened small child.

For that was what Faith seemed to have reverted to in that moment… a little girl, lost and confused. She stood there, trembling slightly, not returning Buffy's touch or kissing. She was shaking… Buffy 

could feel her tangled emotions, her disbelief, and she backed away from Faith slightly, stroking a hand through her hair, then her face.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, sincerely looking into the other girl's eyes. "I'm so sorry… but I mean it now, Faith. I… I want to make it okay again. And… and I think this is the way to do it."

She tucked a strand of Faith's hair gently behind her ear, smoothing more back from her face as she watched her. When Faith remained motionless, wordless, Buffy ran her hand over the girl's hair again, beginning to frown in concern. What was she thinking- what was she feeling now? What did Buffy herself feel?

Love… Buffy felt love towards her. Not a weird, unsettling lust or attraction, not sisterly affection or sympathy, not even a Slayer kinship… but love. When had this happened? Or had it been there all along, trying impatiently to get her to allow it to manifest itself?

"What is it, Faithy?" Buffy asked her quietly. "What are you thinking? Are you okay? Is…"

She let her words drift, searching Faith's face. The other girl was still so tense, her expression locked into a look of such vulnerability that Buffy's heart squeezed in her chest. Faith blinked rapidly, and Buffy could almost see her mind racing, struggling…

"B," she fumbled, her voice rasping in a way that sounded nearly painful. "B… you… you're not just sayin' this… right? Don't… please don't say it if you don't- don't' screw with me, B. Please."

Her voice dropped, and she lowered her eyes, exhaling in a slow, shuddering manner that made her shoulders fall downward. Her chest rose and fell as she exhaled slowly again, seeming to be concentrating on continuing to draw in breath. Buffy wanted nothing more in that moment than to take Faith into her arms, to hold her in a way that would be both protective, comforting, and yet also like one would hold a lover… 

This was the first time she dared to think of Faith in that way as a lover, and did not cringe away form the thought. She wanted to hug her… but Buffy made herself stay a distance apart from her, their bodies not touching, giving her the space the other Slayer might need to determine her thoughts, to take in Buffy's words. Still Buffy kept a hand lightly on Faith's shoulder, wanting her to feel a measure of physical contact, to know that her words were genuine.

"No, I'm not just saying it," Buffy told the younger girl softly, trying to look into her averted eyes and finding it impossible. Gently she took Faith's chin into her hand, lifting it up so that Faith's eyes were made to meet hers. The insecurity she saw in them made Buffy bit her lip, barely able to restrain herself from pulling Faith to her chest, trying to take that look away from her forever. Instead she held Faith's chin with a tenderness that verged on a caress, her voice choking as she spoke to her.

"I'm not screwing with you anymore, Faithy. I couldn't do that."

Faith stared at Buffy, her eyes growing dim and shadowed, round with a disbelief approaching a fearful near awe. Buffy could see her body shaking, could feel her rapid pulse under her jaw line. She felt the other girl's face shiver in her hand, as Faith licked her lips, blinked, opening her mouth to speak. Buffy waited anxiously, hoping, praying for Faith to believe, that it wasn't too late…

"B," Faith said hoarsely, still blinking too often, too quickly, still trembling beneath Buffy's hand, "you're gonna have to fuckin' stop with the calling me Faithy…"

And then suddenly she was flinging herself against Buffy, her arms locking around the other Slayer's narrow back and waist in a grip so hard and fierce it temporarily knocked the breath out of her, bruised her as her Slayer skin rarely did. Buffy, despite her initial shock, felt her arms lock around Faith automatically in a hold that was equal to her strength, one arm around the other girl's shoulder, stroking with one hand, the other around her waist. She could feel Faith's heartbeat, pressed so close to her own, nearly equal in its intense pulsing; she felt the younger girl's body shaking, her hot face pressed hard into the crook of Buffy's neck. Faith's shuddery breaths heated Buffy's skin, and it wasn't long before the sticky dampness of her long-suppressed, nearly silent tears began to smear themselves across Buffy's collar bone and shoulder.

Barely holding back her own rising tears, Buffy held Faith even harder, still scarcely able to believe what she was doing, the path she had just chosen. It was something totally unknown to her, something that had scared her, almost panicked her… but now that she had Faith in her arms, she could not comprehend why she had felt that way. This seemed like the only option she had ever had… as bittersweet as it felt, she could imagine no other course of action. This felt right… and Buffy knew suddenly that it _was_ right. 

She continued to grip Faith against her, now shaking as well as she ran clumsy fingers through her hair, whispering choked words that neither would remember, other than the obvious caring with which they were spoken. And even as Faith quickly suppressed her tears once again, continuing to cling to her hard, Buffy could not stop herself from shedding a few of her own. She had not known that something she had feared and wished for, felt guilt and shame and desire for all at once, could seem so amazingly right and normal… so freeing, even with its pain.

When Buffy finally felt Faith shifting in her arms, pulling away with clear and sudden discomfort, she loosened her hold on her, letting Faith back up slightly even as she kept gentle hands on her shoulders. The younger Slayer's face was streaked with eyeliner and mascara, and her eyes flashed; she regarded Buffy with a poignant mixing of incredulous hope and fear… and the beginnings of an awed happiness, nearly joy. Her eyes flickered as each conflicting feeling battled in their depths, struggling to ascertain as to her dominant emotion. 

Buffy looked back at her with a gentle smile, snuffling and wiping her eyes as love for her swelled in her chest. How could she help but love Faith? Why had she tried not to?

She reached out, rubbing a thumb under Faith's left eye as she wiped away what she could of some of Faith's ruined makeup. Faith held very still, watching her with a solemnity most unlike her usual demeanor.

"Gotta get waterproof," Buffy advised her in a voice that shook only slightly. "Raccoon eyes- not your best look."

And with that said, she leaned in, slowly covering Faith's lips with her own. And once again it was as if time was shifting in a thousand directions at once, making them nowhere and everywhere, wholly separate and intriguingly different, yet the same… they knew everything and nothing, felt the other girl's essence and knew her inside out, even as they merged into something like a single being.

She could feel Faith freeze, hesitant, then she began to kiss Buffy back, tentatively at first, then growing bolder, more confident, harder in her methods. As Buffy's breathing grew more rapid, there was nothing in all the world that seemed real and meaningful, nothing but Faith's lips and tongue and body against her own…

When the two Slayers finally pulled away from each other slightly, both were nearly breathless, hearts racing in rhythm as their breath came in short gasping pants. They slumped against each other, half hugging loosely, half holding each other up, for both suddenly felt a weariness that relaxed their muscles and half closed their eyes. And yet both were smiling… the unconscious, wholly pleased smiles of two small and quite innocent children.

When Faith finally spoke, her voice was still low, uncertain, and she did not pull away from Buffy's grasp.

"B… what do we do now?"

Buffy exhaled slowly, her breath stirring strands of Faith's hair as she thought. She didn't know… but the thing was, it no longer seemed to matter.

"We turn around," she said finally, smoothing back another lock of Faith's hair. "You take my hand… and we walk back into my house together."

"And then?" Faith asked, her forehead creasing slightly as she searched Buffy's eyes. "And then what, B?"

"And then… then we go from there," Buffy replied slowly. "That's all we can do, Faithy…"

Carefully she eased herself away from the other girl, extracting herself from her touch… and then, turning toward her once more, she extended her hand. Faith stared at it for several moments, her eyes speaking all the fragilities of emotion the girl herself never would… and then she slowly took it, wrapping strong fingers around Buffy's.

"Let's get this straight right now, B," she said, her voice returning to the cocky tone Buffy was so accustomed to. "You call me Faithy again, and I'll twist your skinny little arm behind your back until it crackles, snaps, and pops. Find yourself another cutesy little pet name. And_ not_ one anywhere approaching the likes of honey, sweetie, darling, cupcake, muffin, baby doll, or baby."

Buffy grinned, unable to stop from doing so even had she wanted to.

"What about Pookie?" she suggested innocently. "Will Pookie work?"

As Faith slugged her in the shoulder, her smile broadening, dimples deepening, Buffy's smile widened as well. It felt like her entire heart was expanding. Hell, not just her heart… her entire life. Her entire world…

The two Slayers turned, and hand in hand, began to make their way back to Buffy's house.

end

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Author notes: So that's it... what did you think! Reviews please! Longer ones the better... 


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